The door
lurches open at Shiten’s secret Whitehall HQ.
A red bowler hat spears through the air and hits the unsuspecting
secretary square in the nose. “Sorry
Miss Mamepenny”, says a drunken voice from the shadow of the doorway. “You REALLY live up to your name you know”
the secretary rebuffs, “Erotic?” the voice replied, “no, Wally!” replied Miss Mamepenny
wiping the trail of blood that was dripping from her nose. “My equipment may be small Miss Mamepenny but
it’s perfectly formed” replied Wally staggering into the desk. “Sorry Wally, I’m more into big Blackthorns
than your tiny little stick. Go through,
P has been waiting for you to sober up!”
P sat at his
wheel majestically throwing his next range of Gafu-Ten winning pots as Wally
stumbled in. “Take a seat 00Shiten, I was hoping that I would see you sometime
this month” said Shiten’s ceramic sensei.
He well knew that our hero* had been on a Lidl bargain wine box and
kebab bender since the Swindon Winter Image Show but he was the ONLY man* for
the job. “No need to remove your jacket”
he continued, “I said don’t………….”. Too
late, Erotic Wally removed his outer layer to reveal his latest psychedelic
outfit much to the pain and suffering of anyone in eye-shot. Wally was fast becoming a disgrace to the Shiten Secret Service and was only being
kept around as he was the only one daft enough to take on some of the more
dangerous assignments. P rummages around
his desk drawers for some industrial strength welding goggles and then continues
the briefing.
“I take it
that you have heard that our good friend Baldfeld
is back on the scene?” “Really?”,
replied Wally “so the Costa Cartel hit was unsuccessful then?” “Exactly how much have you had to drink man,
you were there!” exclaimed the frustrated monkey. “Well, erm, not too sure sir really, what
month is it again?” replied Wally sheepishly.
“Pull yourself together man or I’ll revoke your Licence to Pot”. “No, no, not that P, it’s my life’s work”,
well that and growing shite trees Wally thought. “OK, one last chance, so here’s the gig, pay
attention 00Shiten” growled the frustrated Shiten.
“As you are aware
Wally, the BSB is making a high level visit, along with the Japanese and
European Ambassadors, to RHS Wisley and we need a man on the inside. We cannot discount the rumoured threats from BOBO who are understood to be sending
some of their top, top agents”. “Anyone
I’ve ‘eard of Sir?” enquired the swiftly sobering agent. “Well if the stories are to be believed it
appears that Gingemember and Woodnibbler will be Baldfeld’s weapons of choice but be prepared for ANYONE and ANYTHING!”
declared P. “We’ve managed to infiltrate
you as an exhibitor in the Mame section.
Miss Mamepenny's idea as she says that you are an expert on “smaller
sizes” but what she means by that I do not know – what do bloody women know
about Bonsai anyhow?” Slowly, our hero*
felt his face turning as red as his natty trademark bowler hat. Yes, he had tried to impress P’s secretary
with his fine specimens but she just laughed and blew him off. “I’ve been trying to learn ‘er the Shiten Way sir”, Wally replied
sheepishly “seems like I’ve done too good a job!” “Excellent man, no time to lose, so off you trot,
wouldn’t want to keep you” urged P “oh, and by the way 00Shiten, don’t make an exhibition of yourself – AGAIN!”
(*we use this
term loosely!)
