“I’ve done it, I’ve
finally infiltrated Baldfeld’s gang” thought Wally, “P would be so proud of me!”
A tear began to run down our hero’s* cheek. Not a tear of joy however just his G-String
starting to chafe a little. Wiping away
the tear, whilst also adjusting his panty problem, Wally looked over to his
left at the person atop the ejector seat in the Shitewagen. The passengers
shining cranium briefly blinded the driver but his eyes adjusted to stare at
the enormity of it all – Baldfeld, Bonsai Enemy No1! Seen as a hero by many in Bonsai circles, but
a shite by the majority of Bonsai lovers, his reign of terror started small,
robbing hubcaps and the like, then moved into protection rackets that included
holding footballer’s privates to ransom for a hefty fee! Years, and many regional extradition orders
later, here he was, “King Pin” of the
UK Shohin Raffia!
Somehow, more by luck than judgment no doubt, 00Shiten had managed to infiltrate his
way into Baldfeld’s inner circle, P’s plan seemed to be working! No doubt drunk on his own success (not vino
collapseo for a change) Wally tried to make small talk whilst they journeyed
around another triumph of the British Empire – the M25, the world’s largest
roundabout. “These Bonsai, eh, tiny aren’t they?
They almost look real, what’s the trick?” Slowly Baldfield’s
expression changed as his shimmering skull turned in the direction of the
driver. Panic now filled Wally, along
with his socks as a G-String ain’t much of a poop protector, had he blown his
cover, could this FINALLY be his end? “Costa” the scouse supervillain replied “I thought you asked if I wanted a coffee?” Thinking on his feet, a novelty for
Wally, he spluttered “Yes, that’s what I
asked”. “OK then” came the reply much to the relief of the Shiten spy. With this crisis averted, and the grown-up
baby caffeined to the eyeballs, it was now full steam ahead to RHS Wisley.
It is commonly known within in the Shiten Secret Service, and the greater Bonsai world as a whole for
that matter, is that Wally isn’t the sharpest tool in the roll so P had
organised plenty of “back-up” to offset his lack to knowledge and tact! Whilst Baldfeld was given the VIP Tour Wally
inspected his “kit” that had arrived from Department
Q. Things had changed since the good
old days. As all departments of the
Secret Service are funded by government some bright spark had deemed that as
the SSS only dealt with Bonsai
related threats to national security its budget, and staff, would have to abide
by new “smaller” guidelines. And boy
were they not joking! Wally’s “display*”
had been entered into the Marmite Section of the exhibition as a Shite-buffer to Baldfeld’s entry just in
case his trees were armed with hidden weapons of moss destruction. Forever the optimist Wally threw his display
together to what he thought looked “about right” apparently glossing over the
section on Formal Display in his briefing notes. It would only later become
very apparent that this lack of foresight NEARLY blew his cover!
(*Again, we use this term VERY loosely!)
