Shite Trek – The Journey Home

Captain’s Log Supplemental
Due to disruptions in the space-time continuum, sub space communications with Starbase Shite have been severely disrupted but we think the Shitesurprise’s boosted signal is now coming through………

Stardate 28-02.1230
As the conference progressed Helmsman Pearson notice an alien infestation on some of his unglazed wares.  The more he looked, the more they bred, the more they bred, the more he looked – what could this be and where did they come from?  He first noticed a faint spec which then grew and grew finally becoming a solid semi sphere of silver.  Further investigations by the crew found that the Shitesurprise must have been boarded during Captain Chrome-domes emergency caffeine stop.  With the finger now well and truly pointing at the Costa Cartel rumours were abound of a weapon that they had secretly been working on – Nano Tribbles!

 

These ultra-hi-tech weapons of mass replication were created to infiltrate and eradicate higher types of lifeforms and technology. It seems that this batch must have malfunctioned and seen the chief Shiten Slinger as a danger to ceramics as we know it.  We all ACTUALLY know that it’s Suteki Simon who is the chief culprit of crimes against ceramics* but as these little critters had gone haywire so that would explain the mistake!  These pots had to be isolated at once but it seems that the delegates liked the shiny domes and soon the infestation was over, well, until the unknowing new owners got their infected pots back home that is!

Stardate 28-02.1500
News crackled across the comms that some important announcements were about to take place concerning the strange folk wandering around with sticks earlier in the day.  This information seemed to cause much excitement amongst some of the delegates so it was phasers to stun, just in case of any alien shenanigans.  It turned out to be the prize giving for the Best Trees/Displays of the conference so no need for the crew to panic as there was no “Shite” Award – or so we thought!  Amongst the great and the good it was decided that Security Chief Will “someones gunna get hurt real” Baddeley won the award for “Best Stick in Pot”.  His English Elm raft* in its custom-made container swept the board beating more conventional alien creations and well done to him!

With all the excitement over it was soon time to pack the Shitesurprise and head back out into the Big Black at warp factor 9 and plan next year’s invasion!

(*it wasn’t originally a raft but it seems that the trees decided it was the best way to try and escape Suffolk – that or a canoe!)

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.9

Name: Les Storey
AKA: Grandpa/Grown Up Baby
Position: Shiten Founder & First Aider
Status: Being Sarcastic
Claim to Fame: Cupping Ian St John's “luv spuds” & carrying Pele off in the World Cup 1966

Profile

Les’s Ferry cross the Mersey was torpedoed by the WBS and he was found years later washed up on the banks of the Medway.  Nursed back to health by the daft-side of the MBS his influence grew and soon became the spiritual leader of the Brotherhood of Shites.  What followed was the immaculate conception of the SBS firstly waging Holy war against Bonsai terrorist Abu Hands-free and then becoming a beacon of light to the infirm and confused.  The rest, as they say, is hysterectomy!

Shiten Pouge's Gallery Pt.8

Name: Dougie Mudd
AKA: Fingers
Position: Shiten Coffin Maker
Status: Having a snooze
Claim to Fame: Still being able to count to ten without taking his socks off!

Profile
Some people say that they would give their right arm to be a member of the SBS but this man NEARLY did do it – bloody attention seeker!  More Chip’n’board than Chippendale this prover of the ply and master of MDF can knock up a fair orange box so thought that he’d try his hand at bonsai stand making.  He soon became a Shiten supplier, we do like a bit of marine ply us, and was granted membership after his tantrum after NOT being mentioned in despatches after the Noelanders Shiten Display of 2016 – what a big girls blouse!

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.7

Name: Will Baddeley
AKA: Woodnibbler
Position: Artistic Dictator
Status: Covered in Sawdust
Claim to Fame: Displaying a "dead" tree at Gingko


Profile
Hedge poaching ex-chorister Will’s rise to Artistic Dictator was seen by some as “sudden” but he had been on our radar for some time. The Suffolk Spectacled Shite’s speciality is making deadwood look, well, dead, and we thought that this would be advantageous due to the rate that Les kills trees, especially Yews. Since the Balding Bearded Bonsaist joined our ranks standards have continued to plummet so it seems that his longer term membership, and leadership, should continue to help us sink to even deeper depths of shite!

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.6

Name: Alex Mai Tai Bonsai
AKA: Dusty
Position: Member (Probationary)
Status: Buying Pots
Claim to Fame: Giving Faisel a run for his money!

Profile

Smooth, suave, sophisticated ceramics connoisseur Alex is a recent convert to the cause.  Introduced to us by our Shiten Interpreter Alex was soon showing Shiten tendencies and first exposed himself as a Shite at the Heathrow Show last year. Feared and revered on auction sites across the globe his battle cry of “BIN” reveals more about his past than he thought as after further investigations we have found that he is in fact the lovechild of Ted Rogers!

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.5

Name: Jose
AKA: Sam
Position: Shiten Interpreter
Status: Making Beautiful Gardens
Claim to Fame: Excellent sense of direction!

Profile

Jose’s Shiten journey started as a spiritual seeking out of the ceramic sensei Stone Monkey in 2012. Since then he has never lost his vision, but sometimes his way, and was converted to Shitenisum a few years later. Often filling in when Les couldn’t be bothered, Jose’s faith, and membership, was tested when he represented Gibraltar in the European Final of the New Talent Contest. He later confessed and repented his sins and admitted that life was better on the daft-side!

Shiten Pouge’s Gallery Pt.4

Name: Simon Jones
AKA: Ginga Ninja
Position: Fire Safety Officer (Provisional)
Status: Being a Cock
Claim to Fame: The World’s most expensive bonfire
Profile

Simon's war cry of "your trees are shite" should and could have got him automatic membership to the brotherhood but at the time we were worried that his shy and retiring nature may have been damaged by all the fame of being a total shite.  Often confused, and a founder member of GAP (Ginge And Proud), Simon's true Shitenisum soon became apparent and his membership could be overlooked no longer.