Sunny Suffolk Sojourn Speculates Seriously Special Shiten Scalp!

After months of multiple applications, emails and occasional begging the Shiten Executive finally gave in and agreed to interview our latest potential new member. Being very, very wary of “undesirables” trying to infiltrate into our esteemed Society it was decided that a “face-to-face” two part interview process would be necessary so it was left to the Shiten Scribe to be the offering, oops, interviewer. 

(l to r) Candidate and interviewer - would it still all be smiles at the end of the process?

William Baddeley first came to Shiten’s attention whilst making far too much noise in the disabled toilets at the Burrs Residential Retreat and since then we have kept an eye on this upstarts progress. Previously a Thatcher (moving on to Merrydown and White Lightning at a later date) it seems that he didn’t waste all of his time whilst standing around on a roof doing beggar all as his perception and attention to detail of the finer aspects of a “Winter Image” have gained him a reputation* as well as many, many admirers including the great Walter Pall! Will “Powertools” Baddeley, is a champion of British Natives and along with Dean “look at my titties” Kelly and Simon “Ginge Member” Jones they have helped form BOBO (Bloody ‘orrible Bonsai Organisation) which aims to raise** the standard and appeal of the UK’s native trees. BOBO is fast becoming an elitist group of misunderstood yokels looking to fight off the Bonsai Devil in all his forms and this straight forward “noble ox” approach very much appealed to the Shiten Committee. 

Part 1 of the process involved an “informal chat” about the state of the UK Bonsai scene, character assassination, walking, talking and drinking at the same time and which cunning plans Mr B had to “help” the Shiten membership etc for which, we can divulge at this time, proved “interesting”. There was also a physical challenge which involved traversing the highest peak in Suffolk WITHOUT safety equipment and this was noted as only “satisfactory”. After hours of intense interviewing and cross examination into the wee small hours (OK, nearly flaming daylight!) the debate was declared a draw and it was agreed that the applicant could have a few hours rest before the practical part of the process. 

The morning dawned dry, bright and full of promise, unlike the candidate and interviewer, and after a bacon bap and a cuppa (tea, not soup!) Will was presented with the “stick in a pot” for his practical examination. Agreed, this was not the best material on “Planet Bonsai” but to make a sow’s ear you should at least start with a silk purse. Unfortunately, this was financially beyond our reach so he got a nylon one instead! Progress was kinda slow, mainly due to the sloppy wiring and too many tea breaks, but this pleased our interviewer no end. There was also a small interruption in the afternoon with Chris “Hobbit-meister” Royal losing his way home from The Prancing Pony only to end up in deepest, darkest Mirthwood! Now, with his rhythm broken, and becoming unsure of himself, Will was heard asking the Halfling for styling advice which then turned into a mass-debate which eventually lead to the Hobbit bolting to his hole and everyone else running for cover! Entertaining, and very Shiten, this was seen by the examiner as a plus point but had there been too few during the test? We will let you be the judge of that! 

The "Executive" were impressed the the use of the "tree" to emphasis the "stick"!

As with any interview process no result was available on the day but with some promising, and not so promising, points coming out of the process. On the plus side Will can’t be playing with a full deck as he’s “more than happy” to be Simon’s Sensei (which could well be a very large plus point in his favour) but then has to go and spoil it and produce a very professional looking “purse”. With Simon having to take his findings home and have them evaluated by Shiten HQ it would have be hoped that a result either way would be forthcoming but Shiten Storey’s off seeing Peter Kay in Manchester so you’ll have to bloody well wait till he gets back Badders for the result – watch this space! 

(*Not to be explored at this time!) 
(** This is one aspect that needs further clarification)

Selective Shiten Supporters Surprisingly Shun Society - S.H.I.T Stories Suspected

Overnight, and into the early hours, a wave of conflicting social media reports have made it very difficult to gain truly accurate information on this fast moving news story. What we can report is that some of Shiten’s loyal sponsors and supporters, including some Show Organisers, are seriously beginning to question their allegiance to the SBS. Some have even gone as far as to actively disassociate themselves with Shiten if Mr Pearson remains within the Society. This is a very serious situation for the Club and its members and will be address as a matter of urgency although this is not helped by Mr Pearson’s refusal to comment or admit that he was in breach of contract.

Mass debate

As heated exchanges raged on through the night regarding Mr Pearson’s tenure at the Club, with him being call “a disgrace” by some or even a “Shiten-stirer” by others, it appears that it is not all bad news for SMC. A small, influential and very vocal, if deluded, group of people are openly approving of his stance against what is seen by some a “Shiten suppression” and by others as bullying in the workplace. This sort of behaviour by any member of the SBS has never, or will ever, be tolerated by the Club and the overtones that this is the case “is insulting” a representative commented. “The Shiten Executive is looking into the allegations and also the way that some members with ‘special needs’ have been handed during their membership” he went on. “There is still an on-going legal case concerning copyright infringement between SMC and the SBS regarding pot production and we hope that this flagrant breach of the membership rules is not a ‘revenge attack’ to this current case”. 

Little did we know!

Tit for Tat

As tensions between both parties increased rumours surfaced of a splinter of the splinter group arising nicknamed “Good-Ten”. Mr Pearson, ex-army and a trained killer, reportedly ranted to a fellow Shiten member “Your trees with my pots – WE’LL BLOODY SHOW ‘EM!”. No doubt drunk on his own success, and no doubt still sobering up in some gutter somewhere, his threats were taken seriously although he later retracted some, if not all, of his comments. It is understood that he had been training some female assassins for some selective hits of senior Shiten members but this has never been substantiated. Surprisingly there was one very interesting offer of support following his outburst. This came from the residents of the Wirral, who are no doubt still reeling from the news of losing Stevie G to the Yanks, offering to take in any Shiten refugees that might be affected. Each refugee will be issued with a new identity, passport, shell suit (choice of colours) and a complimentary perm!

For further news, comments and debate either click the “Shite” button or following our streaming news coverage on Facebook!

SUTEKI’s Sensei’s Shocking Shiten Suspension

Stonemonkey Hoists International Trophy

Following yesterday’s disturbing and shocking news from Japan, and following a lengthy meeting of the Shiten Executive Committee, Stone Monkey Ceramics (SMC) has been suspended from all Club activities with immediate effect.  Mr Andrew Judas Pearson, SMC’s chief executive, will therefore relinquish any associations that he may, or may not, have with the SBS until a full and thorough judicial enquiry in to any wrong doing can take place.  Any breach of these conditions could see further sanctions being taken.

WARNING:- Some readers might find the following images disturbing!

 

 

Although some details are still sketchy it seems that a UPS delivery destined for their recycling division (as the Shiten Committee had been told by Mr Pearson) ended up at the Gafu-Ten Show in Japan.  SMC collaborators then infiltrated the event and hijacked a display area for many hours before a peaceful compromise was negotiated.  It is understood, although cannot be confirmed, that a series of brown envelopes was exchanged between the hijackers and the officials which lead to his unglazed pots “winning” a First Placed Certificate. It must also be noted it is still unclear if his was the ONLY entry in this section.

Meanwhile back in the UK, SMC’s stocks skyrocketed with people trying to cash in their “Stone Monkey Collection” on the back of the wave of his success.  Unfortunately, later in the day with the rumours circulating about any action to be taken by the Shiten Executive his company’s shares plummeted and were later suspended by the London Pot Exchange.  When Mr Pearson was approached he informed this reporter that he was too busy to comment at this time as he out celebrating with his new wife.  It is also unclear at this point Mrs Pearson’s part, if any, in the deception – investigations continue.

It still remains unclear whether Shiten is being targeted by radical individuals or by the Bonsai Community at large to undermine their hard work at taking the hobby to a different level.  For obvious, and legal reasons, the Shiten Committee are unable to comment at this time but did make a statement that they were “deeply sadden and distressed” at the news which had arisen but maybe not too surprised at the “underhand and self centred behaviour of Mr Pearson”.

More news will be available when we’ve made it up – watch this space.

Shock Shiten Supporter Santa’s Super Seasonal Surprises

When not banging away with the Elves in the Workshop, plying Rudolf with enough booze to give him a nice “Ferguson” or surfing the t’internet for “gifts for the boys” (or that’s what he tells Mrs Claus) it seems that he likes Bonsai – Shiten Bonsai! Santa, or Mr Claus if you are on his naughty list, is a kind soul and although Simon is a true “ba humbug” when it comes to the Festive Season (which doesn’t make him a bad person BTW) it seems, like God, Santa loves a trier so he left him a super sack full of surprises in his stocking this year. In case you are wondering, yes, Simon did remember to take his stockings off on Xmas Eve! 

“A bad workman always blames his tools” or so they say and with others within the Club moving on with the hobby it seems that it was time to replace the tools (no, not the other Shiten members!) and Simon was not disappointed. Here’s a rundown of the highlights:- 

1. Scissors Tired of the stainless Japanese tools, why not try these babies out? 

Simon was lucky enough to get both versions available which have been hand finished by a colour blind Baboon in striking Shohin colours. No more getting mixed up with inferior products at Workshops! 

2. Wire Thinking of “going pro” then this is the Copper wire for you! 

With the copper coloured Aluminium-num-a-num (do doo be-do-do) being sooooooo old hat it was time to move over to the far superior Copper wire. This “3-in-1” coil with pre covered coils to cushion the branches (Red for Evergreens and Black for Deciduous) was a real surprise and promises better value than your current wire! 

3. Pots Tight for space and never sure what glazes you want, how’s this for a solution? 

With Stone Monkey Ceramics being oh so 2014, Simon was delighted to receive this set of nesting post from new supplier to the hobby Air-Fix. Neat rectangular pots (are you listening Andy?) which will be perfect for re-potting your trees into after you’ve wasted the obligatory 7 years and best of all you can paint them the colour you want. None of this picking a glaze and waiting months for it to cook and you can also change the pot colour seasonally without having to re-pot – Brilliant! 

A selection of the new tools Simon received!

Will's Workshops always
start with an eye exam!

We understand that Simon is very excited to try out the above items, along with the rest of the tools that Santa left him, when he goes to see Bonsai Europa Ambassador (there better be some Ferrero Rocher for after the curry & poppadums’ Badders!) and fellow “Shrubbery Lover” - Will “The Blacksmith” Baddeley. 

Keep your hands of my Precious young Badders m'lad or there will be trouble! 

Shiten Supporter & Sometime Shiten Student Seymour’s Sickness Scare




I don't know who maintains his "weave" but it ain't him!

 

It seems that Bonsai is fast being seen as a “dangerous sport” with a spate of quite serious illnesses of late, along with the very sad passing of the wonderful Ray Ward and the inspiring Paul Goff recently, news hit the desk of the Shiten Massive that one of our students (I do use this term very loosely!) had been admitted to hospital very, very unwell. Marc, Maidstone Bonsai Society’s Secretary, (complete with comedy breasts and revealing miniskirt) and sometime Shiten warrior has an affliction to wiring and upon being told by John Armitage at the Capel Manor Show that his Juniper needed wiring went a funny colour. Palming the job off, as usual, seemed the order of the day but due to more serious commitments of his designated wirier (mainly watching paint dry etc) his tree remained in need of attention. In an attempt to get out of his chores, and no doubt leaving it to his long standing lovely wife as usual, he took it upon himself to be hospitalised with pneumonia! Following a visit from Shiten’s roving reporter and NHS 111 Guru* Les it was confirmed that he “was not very well”.

Unfortunately (for his trees at least!), we can report the Malingering Marc is now back at home and recovering well – i.e. slacking! It would be expected at this point for the SBS to wish Marc well for a speedy recovery but that’s not the Shiten Way! Now, due to this incident, Shiten is going to have to examine its health policy and might well now have to introduce the disclosure of full medical records, and a possible medical, for any student looking to partake in future Shiten events. It is always the case that the minority spoils it for the majority and this selfish act of hospitalisation again proves that our vetting process may well need an overhaul – thanks a lot bud!

Shiten does in fact have a message for our sickly student “get off your fat arse, back down the Club and wire your own bloody trees!” Love, Peace & Bananas buddy.

*It cannot, at this time, be confirmed whether Nurse Les went “in uniform”, complete with suspenders and peep-hole bra, but investigations are continuing.

Shiten’s Super Second Showing Surprises Some Sceptics – Stonemonkey Shuns, Spanglish Sam & Seymour’s Substitute.

It was a great privilege for Shiten to get a second invitation to the Heathrow Bonsai Show which is fast becoming seen as the UK’s “season closing show” – not a bad accolade to have.  Due to its increased popularity the Show changed venues this year allowing more Clubs, individuals and traders to be include – the result? FANTASTIC!  Although Shiten has “Ten” in it it does seem to have the correct prefix as Stone Monkey was again absent from this event seeming to concentrate all his efforts on some tin pot Japanese Show next year.  Never mind, negotiations are at an advanced stage to bring another Shiten supplier on board – watch this space!

Much praise has been given to Mark, Ming and there willing group of organisers, and rightly so, and full 2sensible reports can be found elsewhere on t’internet so we won’t go over old ground.  All we will say is one of their trader choices was a bit “suspect” we must say although he didn’t come in fancy dress which was a bonus.  A WARNING to all Show organisers – BE CAREFUL this man is a menace!

 Photo courtesy of WPC S.Mckee

Die Haddon!

Unfortunately, it wasn’t all good news as Triple S (Storey’s Shiten Security – Southern Division) had to be on full alert after unwarranted death threats towards Shiten Senior Simon from Shiten’s Shropshire Stalker.  A seemingly pleasant young lady on first impressions, although unfortunately being afflicted with humour induced incontinence, it seems that the darker side of being a Stalker of the Stars is beginning to be seen - the Bonsai Authorities have been put on standby just in case!  It also seems that Crimewatch might also need notification as well as BOBO vagabond Will Baddeley was caught on surveillance robbing the food vending stall with a “cheeky chappy” grin for the camera.  I didn’t go much on his disguise however for such an undercover operation being resplendent in his bright red “uniform” – very fetching young fella m’lad! 

 (not that I can say much based on my dress sense!)

They say to finish on a positive, much, much better than one of Les’s songs(!), so congratulations to EVERYONE involved and associated with the Show (and that does include you Haddon!) as it was relaxed and totally enjoyable.  Well done again.  Next year’s event can’t come quick enough for the SBS as it will be interesting to see how many UK Bonsaists start to follow the Shiten Way!

 

Sadness as Shiten Standards Slip - StoneMonkey & Sam's Slippery Slope to Seclusion

Houston we have a problem, it seems that despite the best efforts of the founders of Shiten (a contradiction in terms we know) the new comers continue to disregard our principles of bonsai not being taken seriously.

Despite my misgivings as Chair of Shiten we did open membership to two others, Stonemonkey and Spanglish Speaking Sam.  They have been in membership for only a couple of months and already they are damaging out reputation.

First of all Sam gets selected to represent the UK at the EBA new comers competition in Vilnius next September, I ask you how can someone who hardly speaks proper English like wot I do represent the UK, maybe he should be flying the Gibraltar flag as a compromise!!

Now we are informed that our Shiten pot maker has been accepted to compete at the prestigious Gafu-Ten* in Japan, he has been accepted to enter some of his Shiten pots in the glazed and unglazed sections of the exhibition. 

 

As a consequence of these actions the senior members of Shiten must consider if they are excluded from membership this wonderful Club.  It seems that these 2 “lost souls” do not realise what privileged company they are in as we are getting daily requests to be “converted to Shiten”.  Maybe we should return to our roots as the two original members.

We will see how things progress but keep a watching brief on their future behaviour as we have Shiten Standards to maintain.

(*When I first heard about this I thought it was “Gaff-Ten” – the Bonsai equivalent of the Razzies)