"The Farce is Strong with Them it is!"

SUTEKI Simon Sings Spiritial Shitenisum Shitakusa Psalms

As part of Shiten’s “Bonsai Education and Care in the Community Programme” we often send out our disciples to spread the Shiten Way to Bonsai Clubs and individuals alike.  Last night saw Shiraz slurping SUTEKI Simon visit Kent’s premier, forward thinking and proactive Club, Maidstone Bonsai Society, to help enlighten their membership on the use and enjoyment of Accents in Bonsai.  Being a local lad, and the fact that Les had buggered off to the Caribbean, we thought that the MBS’s ex-Chairperson* would be a good fit as a friendly face always puts people at ease, so he was sobered up and shipped out to spread the Storey of Shitenisum. 

Maybe not as sober as we had hoped it appeared, “ello, my name is Simon, I’m an alcoholic and have been invited here for your entertainment tonight” was his greeting to the MBS membership which left his fellow Clay Crusader thinking that the evening could end in tears!  Far from shocking the audience it seemed to comfort them in that this poor individual, a humble clay-penter, had seen the shining Shiten light and was there to help them onto the path to the Promised Land.  Fortunately for the assembled congregation it seemed that Simon had already turned enough water into wine so turning off the Hall’s stopcock was not necessary!

It does seem that Andy needn’t have worried after all as miraculously not a wobble or a slur was seen or heard from Shiten’s Sauvignon supping Super Hero. More surprisingly it’s reported that most, if not all, of his sermon ACTUALLY made sense!  It appears that after many years of various Bonsai Beer Crawls finally seem to be paying dividends as it seems that some of the knowledge passed on to him by much greater minds than his own seems to be staying in that scary space between his ears.  We don’t know what goes on it that dark, infested place and we don’t wanna but sometimes it can come up with the odd gem and it appears that last night could well be his Shitest Hour. 

The question now arises, does Shiten have another doppelganger replacing its members with someone drinking “sensible juice” or has he finally seen the light leading to the true path of Shitenisum and forgone the temptation of the grape?  

Rest assured that we firmly expect normal service to be resumed with us finding him sitting in a corner, rocking and saying “wibble” in the not too distant future!

 (*well, we can’t call him a “man” can we!)

Shiten Simon Scarring Someone Soon!

Sulky Shiten Simon’s Subtle Solutions Seriously Surprise Some at Sunny Sutton Show

After a late Winter “burn-out break” the Shiten Massive were once again in full effect but this time helping to “pollute” the sterling efforts of the Maidstone Bonsai Society.  With their MBS hats on the Shiten Show Tarts Simon & Storey were helping to organise the Clubs display at the wonderful RHS Wisley gardens.  This was the second time that the Maidstone Club had been invited to attend but the first time that Simon had had any involvement with it.  As many of you know Simon can be a bit OCD about the layout of our Club displays having had the odd “hissy fit” in the past which could have really opened up a can of worms but fortunately his pacifier, a large bottle of Shiraz with a specially adapted teat, was not needed this time and all the toys did stay in the pram.  He seemed to be really enjoying his role as Show Dictator, sorry, Director that was until the “Bald Head of the Law” failed to arrive on time.  Pacing up and down the aisles like he was doing an audition for the Ministry of Silly Walks we did notice that the dummy was getting ready for lift off but eventually Plod arrived and tranquillity was once again upon us.

Fortunately, despite their best efforts, the 2 little shites didn’t manage to derail the fine efforts of MBS members and drag the overall display down to their level although the little tinkers did have the last laugh.  There, right under everyone’s noses, evolved a truly untouched Shiten display which to this day I think has still gone unnoticed!

Tree by Grandpa, Pot by Monkey Man,
Accent and pot by Frog Boy

The phrase “best behaviour” has a different meaning to Shiten Members but as they were representing “Club not Country” the guys thought that they best try to conform.  Simon tried really, really hard to “look normal” but it seems to no avail as a sharp eyed and inquisitive Surry Heath Club member approached us and asked “are you Shiten?”  That’s it, we were rumbled, and had to come clean about our sins in relation to UK Bonsai but surprisingly this chap seemed unafraid.  Maybe there are more disciples out there following the Shiten Way than we realised which is both pleasing and worrying in equal measure!

More trees from the Club display

Shiten Ceramics Specialists Survive Successful Swindon Show – Storey Security Suspect!

With the woes of “Gafu-Gate” put behind them the Demented Duo of Monkey Man & Frog Boy fired up the Monkey-mobile in the dead of night (well it bloody well felt like it!) for sunny Swindon.  It seems that Ceramics Crimes* never sleep so our intrepid Mud-Slingers swung into action full of vim, vigour and caffeine!  Who knows what arch enemies our heroes might meet, maybe Treebender or would it be the mincing Woodnibbler or even the dastardly Cockman only time would tell.

Andy, obviously still buoyed by his successful “Belgium Invasion” at the Noelanders Trophee (or could that be the Duvel beer?), laid out our plan of attack of how best to relieve the unsuspecting public out of their hard earned dosh.  Time travels fast in the Monkeymobile, not as fast as with Shiten Sam but with better concentration and a sense of direction, but soon we were at the venue and ready to set up our temporary command centre for the day.  Utility belts and sundries checked, or in my case suspender belt as I misread the memo, it was time to reveal ourselves!

As usual the Show was full of the Great and the Good of the UK Bonsai scene, along with the usual suspect characters, although there was one missing figure that nearly cost Shiten dear!  Les “Grandpa” Storey was (again) complaining about an “aliment” and couldn’t make the event (I think he might be allergic to Paul Bowerbank) and cried off.  This is usually seen as a blessing BUT he didn’t organise a SSS detail (Storey’s Shiten Security) which left the Clay Crusaders, as well as others, open to “attack”.  Unfortunately, this lack of planning from the Bald One nearly resulted in a Bonsai Battle Royale.

As threatened, the Northern Invasion came spearheaded by Tracey “Boadicea” Gibson (powered by mushy peas and Tizer) along with the Ginger Warlock Simon Jones in her Hell Chariot.  Rumours of their arrival sparked some panic within the Shiten ranks but Simon was told that she was “just a puddy cat” by Will “Tribblefaced” Baddeley but this was done whilst he was cowering in fear under the table!  Eventually the evil Warrior Queen arrived and she was, well kinda nice, in a terrifying sort of way!  It was, however, great to see the Ginger Whinger in attendance whose war cry of “your trees are Shite” is an inspiration to us all at the SBS.  Only the night before the Show his entire collection, 30+ years’ work, of trees, pots tools, wire etc went up in smoke in a freak and devastating fire.  Although suffering from 2^nd degree burns to his hands he still made the journey down which was fantastic.  It was great to see so much love and offers of support go out to this outspoken bellend that it brought a tear to your eye.  Successive “man hugs” from the Demented Duo also had the same effect – get well soon bud, we’ve got your back!

With the lack of the Triple S the Clay Crusaders were soon hopping into action as Frog Boy heard of the “Case of the missing Chojubai” from Mr John I-like-titchy-trees.  It appears that one of his charges had been “lifted” by an unspeakable and so a search party was arranged.  It soon became apparent that it was an evil scheme involving Trev “Fingers” Brocklehurst and Peter “didn’t I tell you” Warren.  With this “crime” solved the culprit was duly chastised, OK, we pissed ourselves laughing, and normality resumed.

All too soon, and as with all good things in life, it was time to go, say “goodbye” and work our way back to our secret lair.  We both had a cracking day and the Monkey-mobile was much lighter on the way home that on the way down, which is always a bonus!  For those “heathens” that have never been to this extraordinarily good event you MUST GO, but maybe every other year when the Shiten Massive isn’t in full effect!

(*Mostly produced by SUTEKI!)

Belgian Beer Beckons Bald Bonsai Bad Boys

It is that time of year when the great and good of bonsai head to Belgium for the prestigious Noelanders Troffee, well this year the great and good were joined by the majority of the Shiten Collective, although some people thought that Frogboy had slipped in under the radar, there were a couple of sightings of someone with similar taste in clothing to Mr Suteki. The day started bright and early, well early anyway as it was still dark when Shiten Sam and two Shiten wannabes arrived at Shiten Towers to collect the Shiten Senior. 

We set off for Dover to catch ferry to Dunkirk then the onward drive to Genk although Sam being dyslexic wanted us to stop at Gent as is was a similar spelling and a shorter journey. However he was persuaded by the pretentious Mr A to carry on. I call Mr A pretentious because he hosts a site called Mai Bonsai, other less pretentious people would spelling it My Bonsai, I think he is considering branching out a setting up a site called Other People's Bonsai, but I digress. 

We arrived at venue to be greeted by the best welcoming party I have ever seen at a bonsai event, hundreds of people were out on the streets in fancy dress on floats to greet the Shiten Massive, we were even more massive after fries and mayonnaise, beers and steaks later in the day. I was disappointed to find out they were not there for our benefit but it was the annual Carneval. 

The new venue is a lot bigger that previous and caused some distress to Shiten Senior as he is not as mobile as he used to be. Anyway when we arrived Shiten Sam went into arse licking overdrive trying to ingratiate himself with the Bonsai Glitterati, every time you looked around he was bowing and scraping to another Bonsai NAME, even at breakfast the next morning he was crawling to a renowned American artist using a young baby as an excuse to approach him. When challenged about his behaviour he pleaded ignorance saying " I didn't know it was Ryan" but this defence was flawed as the first question Shiten Sam asked was "did you have a good flight over from America with the baby" at this stage no one had spoken unless you count the baby laughing in what must have been an American accent! 

Shiten Sam has a number of qualities that endear you to him, his ability so speak Shiten to anyone and everyone without worrying about language barriers, his ability to drive at 100 miles an hour while gesticulating with both hands and ignoring the nice lady on the sat nav trying to attract his attention. He also likes to disregard the rules of the road deciding on some occasions to drive on the left had side of the road despite the rest of Belgium driving on the right. He also has the ability to look like an illegal immigrant as seen from this photo. You cannot imagine the effort it took to persuade UK Border Agency to let him back into the country.

Anyway the show was even better than before, Shiten Senior was able to move around the venue without tripping over bloody photographers and their tripods. Space between rows was excellent although I did fall over the usual inordinate numbers of British bonsai buffs including a number from the Wirral which must have been worrying for the security staff and the traders. Talking of traders Shiten Monkey was the basking in the glory of some little award he won, he even had a sign in Japanese on the stand, which when translated said, "due to my recent success at an bonsai event in Japan I have increased my prices by 50%". Even Shiten's Frogboy had a presence at the event where Shiten Monkey was selling some of Frogboys recent wares.

Fortunately at the show there were trees to admire and it was good to see that the lessons we gave at Willowbog to Bill G from the Wirral an Mark and Ritta paid dividends as they both stepped up and put on good displays of trees keeping up the British tradition of going on to the continent and showing them how it is done. The first day over and it was on to the hotel bar where Shiten Sam continued his campaign to annoy as many Bonsai Glitterati as he could although he did fail in his effort with a Germanic bonsaist much to Sams dismay. 

Food beckoned so we ventured out looking for sustenance. The organiser of Noelanders failed to take in to account that on the same day as the show it was also Valentines Day and also the Carneval in Genk so many of the hostelries were full so we were turned away from a number of restaurants and had to trudge around begging for somewhere to eat. We did eventually find a venue where because we had Shiten Sam with us we were not allowed indoors and had to sit outside in minus 50 degrees centigrade eating what turned out to be an excellent meal. Surprisingly even more Belgian beer was consumed. Then back to the hotel for more beer.

 

Day two, breakfast at the hotel, Sam crawling to another Glitteratii then off to the show for a final look around before heading off to have look at Mr poll mans garden where Sam was in his element, more Glitterati, and where our other Shiten wannabe, Mr W left with someone else's pot, he side the excuse that it was a mistake but we are doubtful. We made it to the ferry where Shitten Sam in his desperate bid to find a cigarette paper got locked in the car deck after the ship had sailed. All in all it was a great weekend with great company!!!! Well most of the time. Looking forward to the next one 

This blog has been sponsored by Duvel Belgian Beer (other beers are available)

Sunny Suffolk Sojourn Speculates Seriously Special Shiten Scalp!

After months of multiple applications, emails and occasional begging the Shiten Executive finally gave in and agreed to interview our latest potential new member. Being very, very wary of “undesirables” trying to infiltrate into our esteemed Society it was decided that a “face-to-face” two part interview process would be necessary so it was left to the Shiten Scribe to be the offering, oops, interviewer. 

(l to r) Candidate and interviewer - would it still all be smiles at the end of the process?

William Baddeley first came to Shiten’s attention whilst making far too much noise in the disabled toilets at the Burrs Residential Retreat and since then we have kept an eye on this upstarts progress. Previously a Thatcher (moving on to Merrydown and White Lightning at a later date) it seems that he didn’t waste all of his time whilst standing around on a roof doing beggar all as his perception and attention to detail of the finer aspects of a “Winter Image” have gained him a reputation* as well as many, many admirers including the great Walter Pall! Will “Powertools” Baddeley, is a champion of British Natives and along with Dean “look at my titties” Kelly and Simon “Ginge Member” Jones they have helped form BOBO (Bloody ‘orrible Bonsai Organisation) which aims to raise** the standard and appeal of the UK’s native trees. BOBO is fast becoming an elitist group of misunderstood yokels looking to fight off the Bonsai Devil in all his forms and this straight forward “noble ox” approach very much appealed to the Shiten Committee. 

Part 1 of the process involved an “informal chat” about the state of the UK Bonsai scene, character assassination, walking, talking and drinking at the same time and which cunning plans Mr B had to “help” the Shiten membership etc for which, we can divulge at this time, proved “interesting”. There was also a physical challenge which involved traversing the highest peak in Suffolk WITHOUT safety equipment and this was noted as only “satisfactory”. After hours of intense interviewing and cross examination into the wee small hours (OK, nearly flaming daylight!) the debate was declared a draw and it was agreed that the applicant could have a few hours rest before the practical part of the process. 

The morning dawned dry, bright and full of promise, unlike the candidate and interviewer, and after a bacon bap and a cuppa (tea, not soup!) Will was presented with the “stick in a pot” for his practical examination. Agreed, this was not the best material on “Planet Bonsai” but to make a sow’s ear you should at least start with a silk purse. Unfortunately, this was financially beyond our reach so he got a nylon one instead! Progress was kinda slow, mainly due to the sloppy wiring and too many tea breaks, but this pleased our interviewer no end. There was also a small interruption in the afternoon with Chris “Hobbit-meister” Royal losing his way home from The Prancing Pony only to end up in deepest, darkest Mirthwood! Now, with his rhythm broken, and becoming unsure of himself, Will was heard asking the Halfling for styling advice which then turned into a mass-debate which eventually lead to the Hobbit bolting to his hole and everyone else running for cover! Entertaining, and very Shiten, this was seen by the examiner as a plus point but had there been too few during the test? We will let you be the judge of that! 

The "Executive" were impressed the the use of the "tree" to emphasis the "stick"!

As with any interview process no result was available on the day but with some promising, and not so promising, points coming out of the process. On the plus side Will can’t be playing with a full deck as he’s “more than happy” to be Simon’s Sensei (which could well be a very large plus point in his favour) but then has to go and spoil it and produce a very professional looking “purse”. With Simon having to take his findings home and have them evaluated by Shiten HQ it would have be hoped that a result either way would be forthcoming but Shiten Storey’s off seeing Peter Kay in Manchester so you’ll have to bloody well wait till he gets back Badders for the result – watch this space! 

(*Not to be explored at this time!) 
(** This is one aspect that needs further clarification)