Captain Cranium’s Costa Compulsion Causes Concern!

Stardate 28-02.0920.2
Medical emergency!
Intrepid Captain Storey is laid low after cowardly Costa activists slip an alien bug into his latte which worked its way to his brain causing our hero light headiness and unable to operate heavy machinery.  It appears that after a while the alien intruder got lonely rattling around in Les’s noggin and self-destructed, emergency averted!

Les looked worse before
he looked better!

Stardate 28-02.1000
Early reports form the Shiten security detail outlined strange sounds and smells emanating from certain sectors of the Starbase but this was finally put down to some delegates recent trip to the Vindaloonian Empire in search of sustenance.  Unfortunately, this did leave a foul stench of decay in the air although with a slight hint of poppadum’s I understand!  With the venue decontaminated and the culprits vaporised (well outta gas anyway!) early negotiations began between the delegates from the Trade Federation and the Exhibiting factions within this fair hobby of Bonsai.  Bargains had and alliances forged for future it was soon time for ……………………………………….

Simon tries to to look "normal",
I think his shirt ran!

Stardate 28-02.1030
Shirkers, slackers and exhibitors alike had finally done, or not done, their bits so it was time to release the airlocks to allow the great, the good and the gullible into this miniature Winter paradise.  Taffs & Sweaties, Wirralites & Carrot Crushers, Hobbits, halflings and even the lesser spotted pigmy Suffolk Sheep Stalkers all rubbed shoulders united under the universal Banner of Bonsai.  Even some of the warring factions temporarily laid down their arms, and the odd leg, for a brief while and shared a brew, or two, in 10-Forward.  Such is the popularity of this Intergalactic event we had to emergency transport in our own crack Shiten Translator and Communications Officers Spangish Sam and Mai-Tai Bonsai to help us decipher the host of alien dialects that we encountered – why can’t everyone just talk bloody Shiten?

Stardate 28-02.1130
The Starbase is now totally packed with delegates and Ferengi types trying to negotiate acquisitions in their favour, as normal, but our Shits Patrols stood fast and gave as good as they got.  Communications are always difficult at events like this but fortunately Ensign Kitty Gibson furnished the away team, and a few hangers on (you know who you are!) with Shiten Comms Badges which also helped identify friend from foe – quite fortunate in these Shiten times.

During the morning a throw back to a popular 70’s comic could be seen with odd looking folk with what could only be described as “sticks” aimlessly walking around the exhibit area.  Intelligence, a major Shiten attribute, came in that they were not actually auditioning for the next re-make of Judge Dread but were in fact on a mission of their own.  What that was, and the results, for good or ill, would have to wait until later in the day!

Shite Trekking accross the Bonsai-verse

Swindon: The Shiten Frontier.
These are the voyages of the Shiteship Shitesurprise, on a 6-hour mission to explore strange new trees; to seek out new life and new clientele; to baldly go where Bonsai has never gone before!

Stardate 28-02.0415
The Shite shuttle Berlingo leaves outpost Lenham to collect some of the crew for Shiten’s latest journey into the unknown and to berth with the SBS Shitesurprise at Starbase P close to the outer rim of the known universe.  With the co-ordinates expertly programmed into the Navi-Con it was time to engage impulse engines as before we could manage warp speed we had to navigate through some hostile sections of the galaxy - there are too many of those pesky space cameras around these days!

This mission was being commanded by Jean-Luc Picard look-a-like Senator Storey and ably piloted by Helmsman Pearson thus leaving Ensign Suteki recharging his dilithium crystals in the rear of the ship.  He wasn’t ACTUALLY supposed to be doing this as he was meant to be keeping an eye out for Klingons on the starboard bow – you just can’t get the staff!

Stardate 28-02.0710
The SBS Shitesurprise receives a destress signal which required re-routing to the nearest Starbase (not Bucks) to help remedy Captain Cranium’s Costa Compulsion, along with Simon’s weed weakness.  With the emergency averted and the crew now suitably refreshed it was once again time for our intrepid explorers to push deeper into the neutral zone before reaching enemy territory.

Our original orders were for a discreet, covert operation using our state of the art cloaking device.  Unfortunately, due to Simon’s latest ensemble, the device malfunctioned* making our mission all the more perilous – can’t take the kid anywhere!

The first of the Shite's "Away Team" transport down

Stardate 28-02.0800
SBS Shitesurprise safely docks at the Swindon Space Port and unloading of the precious, and some cases NOT so precious, cargo commenced.  It was good to see that many members of the Shiten Empire had rallied to the call including Chief Security Officer Will “someone’s gunna get hurt real” Baddeley.  This addition to our strikefarce, along with his sidekick Kitty Gibson**, soon put the fear of god into the assembled “unbelievers” and with Ginga Ninja Jones doing his “your trees are Shite” security sweep, all seemed shite with the world!

Tracey worked very hard on her "camouflage" to
help blend in - shame it was a Winter Image Show!

Stardate 28-02.0920
With the Bonsai delegates from many far flung star systems congregating at this popular Starbase, the Swindonion Ambassadors, ably led by Brother Bowerbank, sensibly chose to separate the Shiten Ceramicists thus lessening the chances of a diplomatic incident.  This forward thinking plan did also have advantages for the crew of the Shitesurprise as this now gave Les 2 places to park his fat arse for the day, but also two platforms to which we could “reach out” to the lost and the unhinged and help lead them to the path of peace and enlightenment!

The saga will continue after these messages from our sponsors …………………………………………………..

(* “I ain’t even gunna TRY and camouflage dat” was the last message before the unit when into meltdown)

(** She’s just a puddy-tat – she told me so and I’m not gunna argue with her, are you?)

Suffering Sourpuss – Shiten Show Spectacular Sickens Scouse Stand Supplier

It appears that I may have scattered the sawdust with a certain individual in the Shiten Roll of Shame in my Noelanders report.  For some reason just because you played “chicken” with an electric saw, and lost, doesn’t AUTOMATICALLY enrol you in the Shiten Hall of Fame although some would say that it worked for Simon Jones!  Membership is a precious and valueless gift that is bestowed only to biggest and up and coming shites in UK Bonsai and occasionally the mentally unhinged!

Life's tough in that there Wirral like!

Harcourt “Dougie” Mudd seems aggrieved that his plywood stand wasn’t included in the list of shite personnel but what do you expect if you’re not a member?  It has been discussed, at length, that we could do with a casket maker for all the trees that Les kills* and your name was near the top of the list and duly under consideration. 

Unfortunately, with your blatant attempt at “queue jumping” and your impossibly high stands of your work, this just MIGHT work against your inclusion into this Club of very high moral standards and outstanding fashion sense. 

For those of you younger viewers who don’t know “Fingers” Mudd, he is highly sought after in the UK and abroad in true Scouse style but not by the rozzers or Interpol as you would first expect.  His fine work has help lift good trees into great trees, or so he tells me, and he must feel that being a Disciple of Shitenisum would further help his road to enlightenment.  We do agree that his subline use of MDF, rough sawn Pine and Hardboard is a cut above the rest but does he REALLY have what it takes to be an all-round total Shite?  Below is some of his work, we will let you be judge, jury and executioner!

Whilst we are “setting the record straight” I would like to reply to a comment made in a report by Peter Snart Jnr from Kent.  He reported that Shiten was started as “a joke” by the Grown-Up Baby and Frog Boy and this may well be true.  Although seen in many circles, and by many esteemed Bonsaists, as a joke, Les and I, along with the ever increasing list of disciples, BELIEVE in the true spirit of little trees and are helping to raise, or in some cases prop up, that bar in the belief that no matter how large your chequebook or how little talent you have we can ALL make our trees Shite and should be proud!  It does, however, begin to appear that the joke is now on us with Shiten getting legitimate invitations to exhibit our trees.  Maybe, at the start, this was not our mantra and maybe it still isn’t, but who knows that maybe one day we will able to visually abuse the viewing public at an event like the Swindon Winter Image Show or EVEN the prestigious MBS Show!

(*allegedly)

Holy Hairpiece! Shiten Storey’s Shock Selection

This years Shiten Road Trip to the Noelanders Trophy saw the great and the good from our esteemed outfit* descend on Genk in Belgium.  With the success of our recruitment drive over the last 12 months more than half a dozen of our “lesser risk” Shites went to play Bonsai’n’Beer leaving some of the higher risk candidates safe in the UK to attend “Homelanders”.  Andy “Gafu” Pearson once again proudly carried the Shiten Banner into Europe’s top Bonsai event but there were whispered rumours of a more worrying disturbance in the Force namely a Shiten display – could this be true?

Somehow Shiny-headed Slimy Scouse Shite Storey Slithered the first ever Shiten tree into a selection only Bonsai event for the first, and possibly last, time - has the world gone stark raving normal?  Unfortunately, due to the “no photographs” policy at this very popular event we cannot post an image of the tree in all its glory, so here it is!

 As difficult as it is for me to type this “credit where credit is due” and Peter, sorry, Les has done a fantastic job with the tree over the years despite his sometimes harsh treatment of it like locking it in a fridge just for flowering.  If there was a horticultural version of Childline then I’d be on the blower straight away – people like him should be locked up!

As with all things Shiten we do like to share the pain wherever possible and the whole display was totally Shite(n)

– Accent Pot made by Stone Monkey, hand decorated by Brother Storey, logo designed by Shiten Simon and the pot for the tree itself was a Stone Monkey commission.

Much to the dismay of the so called Sensible Bonsai Community the main Shiten Strikeforce arrived on Saturday with the likes of Shiten Artist Dictator Will “Woodnibbler” Baddeley and Shiten’s Fire Safety Officer Si “Ginga Ninja” Jones leading the first wave of abuse.  They were also joined by the more serene members of the crew Alex “Mai-Tai” Bonsai and Jose “I’ll get you lost anywhere” Redondo along with their “muscle” ‘arry & Faz.  As generally appears to be the case when Psycho Simon is safely locked away, there were no reports of any general disruption at the event, or assaults on peoples senses with his crimes against fashion!  Does this mean that Shiten is now becoming an accepted part of the Bonsai Community as a whole?  Perish the thought.

Some honour for the Club was actually restored as some on lookers “didn’t get” Les’s tree and thought that it was unkept and hadn’t been styled, ergo, shite – Phew, what a relief, I was getting worried for a moment there!  It’s good to see that the naturalistic teachings of our Shiten Sensai’s is confusing the unbelievers of the Shitenisum movement and long may we be the leading light in all things Shite!

On a serious note (oh no, do I REALLY have to, it makes my fingers burn) a huge CONGRATULATIONS to spiritual brother Warren Radford on wining the event with a deciduous tree.  His Maple looked absolutely stunning naked and in its anti-que pot, a real show stopper.  Well done sir and I can’t wait to see Medusa in a few years time – that will be mind-blowing.

Warren you don't need to to bribe him, it's the other bald one you want!

And finally, for all you killjoys who didn’t attend the Bingo on the Saturday night, shame on you, your all snobs and don’t know how to have a good time – so there!

(*did I really type that out load?)

Introducing the now sound, the psychedelic sound of...............

Hey, hey
I want a Suteki takeaway
Hey, hey

Went to the first Show
da,da,da-da
Went to the second Show
da,da,da-da
Went to Noelanders
da,da,da-da
Didn't have a long stop

Hey, hey
I want a Suteki takeaway
Hey, hey

Went the wrong places
But meet a lot of faces
No silly clothes on
No competition

Hey, hey
I want a Suteki takeaway
Hey, hey

Now I'm at the right Show
To stop my hunger
Can't make my mind up
I'll just pick a colour!

Hey, hey
I got my Suteki takeaway
Hey, hey
Woow, woow, woow!

Sing-a-long-a-Santa

I bet this wasn't on your Xmas list!

On the First day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

On the Second day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

On the Third day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

On the Fourth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

On the Fifth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Sixth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Seventh day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Eighth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Eight maids a-maiming
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Ninth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Nine Spanglish gardeners
Eight maids a-maiming
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Tenth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Ten bellends cussing
Nine Spanglish gardeners
Eight maids a-maiming
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Eleven Prunus poping
Ten bellends cussing
Nine Spanglish gardeners
Eight maids a-maiming
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree. 

On the Twelfth day of Christmas,
Shiten gave to me:
Twelve drum pots drumming
Eleven Prunus poping
Ten bellends cussing
Nine Spanglish gardeners
Eight maids a-maiming
Seven Storey’s scouceing
Six Pearson’s potting
Five strange things!
Four crappy pots
Free Shiten’s
Two total duds and
A Baddeley in an Elm tree.

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