Spanglish Speaking Shiten Sam’s Summer Sojourn – EBA 2015 (‘E’s Bloody Awesome!)

Sincerest apologies to our many, many followers for the lack of updates of late but the sarcastic Shiten scribe has been too busy “Slop-Slinging” and also has a bad shoulder (well we all know what causes that don’t we!) but he has now been kicked up the arse for his lack of witty words.  Never ones to miss and opportunity for self-gratification, here’s our latest, and possibly, most important news of late.

As many of you out there in Bonsai-Land are aware, Spanglish Speaking Shiten Sam was this year’s UK representative for the European New Talent contest in Lithuania.  Packed off by Maidstone Bonsai Society with Plenty beer vouchers and ably chaperoned by Shiten Supporter and sometimes stalker Alex (aka Mai Bonsai) it was “adios” UK and “olla” to the unknown.  Generously Alex had agreed to be Shiten’s eyes and ears for the event just a shame that the rest of us couldn’t sample the food and beer that was on hand and looked very tasty.  With regular reports back to Shiten Central, by the wonders on the interwebby-net thingy, excitement began to build waiting for the main event, the contest itself.

Time for a quick recap – Jose first came to the attention of the MBS at the Celebrating Kent Bonsai event that some numskull organised back in 2012.  He showed very good taste by purchasing a Stone Monkey pot on his visit so he was always gunna be a star!  Stalwart, and latterly Chairman of the MBS (after a “hissy-fit” from Suteki Simon), Jose’s easy going, fun and open nature endears him to so many people and I know that there were many people wishing him well from around the UK but he will always be “Our Sam”.  Fast forward 3 short years and with the help and guidance of many of the UK’s top talents (Kevin Wilson, Peter Warren, Harry Harrington, Grandpas Les to name a few) along with his immense natural talent we knew it wouldn’t be long before his star began to shine.

Meanwhile, back in Lithuania …………………………………………………….

With the trees allocated to the contestants it was time to Rock’n’Roll with the eyes of the audience upon the National New Talent winners from across Europe.  Early reports via the web-feed was that “Jose’s banging it!” which was great news to his UK supporters and we were all hopeful of a good result.  Due to a technical hitch our reporter went dark so all news, good or ill, wasn’t filtering through to the news room.  This reporter thinks that Alex found his pot addiction too strong and went shopping when he should have been supporting but this can neither be confirmed nor denied!

Many long and artistic hours later the results began to filter through – not all bad but not as good as we had hoped for our Spanglish Samurai.  Unfortunately, Jose’s tree didn’t make the Top 3 but it was in the Top 5 with excellent feedback from the Judges regarding his wiring and branch placement although it was only the apex that let the tree down.  Judging from the photos online, the competition looked tough, so a Top 5 finish is excellent although, no doubt, disappointing.  Lessons hard learned are always the best education my friend!

So, Congratulations Jose from all your Shiten Supporters from around the World and next stop Bonsai Europa where I’m sure that you will have a great time and produce a beautiful tree – I can’t wait to see you there!

Sly Shiten Simon’s Show Stopper Surprises Sickly Storey

The "Grown-Up Baby" was once again as
much use as a chocolate teapot!

After Shiten’s Summer Sabbatical, the Shiten massive, and no that’s not a reference to Simon’s belly, was in full effect at the Bonsai World Show at the K2 Sports Centre in Crawley.  This year marks the 3^rd Edition of the Show and the exhibits seem to get better year on year but, as is the Shiten Way, Les, Simon and Andy were there to show exhibitors EXACTLY how it’s NOT supposed to be done!

As is quickly becoming customary Sickly Storey once again left all the set-up and “arty-farty stuff” to the Clay Crusaders and when he did eventually put in an appearance on the Saturday morning (after all the work was done of course) he was doing his best Cliff Richard impersonation being all “wired for sound” – fortunately he forgot his tennis racket!  With the trees all in place, superbly complimented by Andy’s fantastic Gafu-Ten display, it was all hands on deck to help Sulky Simon set up his stall with his eagerly awaited, his words not ours, “Black Collection”.  When setting up his stall, the norm these days is for to Frog Boy bounce around like he was on a hot lily pad.  With most, if not all, offers of help being rebuffed it seems that he prefers to play the martyr rather than accepting his fellow Shite’s offers of help – num-nuts!

With the Show about to open judging was taking place around the hall and unbeknown to our Little Shites it was to have a sting in the tail. Behind the back of Lethargic Les, Sméagol Simon had snuck one of Les’s trees into his Mame display, naughty little Hobbitses, to no doubt make his display less Shiten – well boy was he in for a surprise!  It appears it’s not what you know but who you know these days and it appears that Simon’s ruse was rumbled by some such person as Les’s little Hinoki Cypress scooped top Mame Tree in Show and not one of his own “efforts”.  This award surprised the Sickly Storey no end as he didn’t even know that the tree was being used on the Shiten display.  That’ll learn ya young Frogs Spawn that you are – quality always shines through!

Our "novel" way of displaying our scrolls!

Gafu Class act

A Simon/Storey Shohin Combo

Sunday dawned hot and sunny once again but unfortunately the upbeat mood was quickly spoilt by Simon’s Manic Mame Meltdown, possibly a side effect of the previous days shock Award.  By the time he and the understanding Mr Pearson had arrived at the venue he’d worked himself into such a little tizzy that common sense went out of the window (along with most of the toys from his pram!).  Many a professional or experienced artist alike were being accosted, with plenty taking to hiding under tables or behind curtains, as the Mame Maniac whizzed around the Traders stalls like the Tasmanian Devil but much less adorable.  The look on the poor Frogy’s face was a picture of despair and despondency as the pot quest turned into a comedy version of Goldilocks*, well funny for the onlookers at least, and no amount of E-numbers or Wine Gums could cheer our little Shiten-Spawn’s mood.

They say that “every cloud has a silver lining” and many of us had gone a lot more Silver during the Mame Mayhem but it would appear that “Sampson Saves the Day” with a delightful little pot from under the counter – you know what I mean guv, brown paper bags and the like?  Superstar Dave, supplier to the stars and sometimes Simon, is the purveyor of fantastic stones, stands and Japanese pots and must be included as an Honorary Shite as he was the original owner of Les’s fantastic Blackthorn.  Again this fine gentleman came up trumps with what was agreed was a fantastic little pot – or could it be a bit small?

No doubt the saga will continue as it usually does with Simon, so watch, or don’t watch, this space – the choice is yours!

*too large, too small and nothing quite right!

Shiten’s Sexy Second String Slingers Secret Screen Sirens?

Our “Demented Duo” seems to be in high demand these days, and not by the rozzers for a change, but exciting news is reaching us at Shiten Central about our Gullible Golems.  Rumours began to circulate last week that the Clay Crusaders were looking to expand the marketing arm of their empire but nothing could prepare us for the Press Release that hit our inbox earlier today.

The Press Release reads:-

“We can now confirm that Stone Monkey Ceramics & SUTEKI Accents have joined forces with top fetish Couture House Ange Stunners to produce their latest rage of Caps, Capes, T-Shirts, Utility and Suspender Belts.  It is with great pleasure that Andrew (SMC) and Simon (SUTEKI) were happy to join our ever growing list of A-List clients and we look forward to a long and fruitful relationship together”.

It continues:-

“……… with Ange being an ex-madam in Vegas starting her Fetish Empire from Swap-Meets and Country Fairs she can relate to what the Clay Crusaders have  and are looking to achieve.  She has been watching these guys (through binoculars) for some time and felt that their style and individuality went well with our business model and she can’t wait to get on top of them”.

This is a really exciting and unique opportunity for the Mud Slingers to make their brands totally global and comes on the back of confirmation that a film adaptation of their book “50 Shades of Clay” will be released later this year.  Due for an October release in Bury, England, it will go up against Simon Jones’s “50 Shade of Gay” and Will “Wood Nibbler” Baddeley’s equally worrying “50 Shades of Hay” at the Bonsai Europa Film Festival hosted by renowned critic Tiny Tickle.

Exciting times indeed for Ceramic and Bonsai alike in the Shire of Shiten – could it be Hollywood “come a’knocking” next time?

"The Farce is Strong with Them it is!"

SUTEKI Simon Sings Spiritial Shitenisum Shitakusa Psalms

As part of Shiten’s “Bonsai Education and Care in the Community Programme” we often send out our disciples to spread the Shiten Way to Bonsai Clubs and individuals alike.  Last night saw Shiraz slurping SUTEKI Simon visit Kent’s premier, forward thinking and proactive Club, Maidstone Bonsai Society, to help enlighten their membership on the use and enjoyment of Accents in Bonsai.  Being a local lad, and the fact that Les had buggered off to the Caribbean, we thought that the MBS’s ex-Chairperson* would be a good fit as a friendly face always puts people at ease, so he was sobered up and shipped out to spread the Storey of Shitenisum. 

Maybe not as sober as we had hoped it appeared, “ello, my name is Simon, I’m an alcoholic and have been invited here for your entertainment tonight” was his greeting to the MBS membership which left his fellow Clay Crusader thinking that the evening could end in tears!  Far from shocking the audience it seemed to comfort them in that this poor individual, a humble clay-penter, had seen the shining Shiten light and was there to help them onto the path to the Promised Land.  Fortunately for the assembled congregation it seemed that Simon had already turned enough water into wine so turning off the Hall’s stopcock was not necessary!

It does seem that Andy needn’t have worried after all as miraculously not a wobble or a slur was seen or heard from Shiten’s Sauvignon supping Super Hero. More surprisingly it’s reported that most, if not all, of his sermon ACTUALLY made sense!  It appears that after many years of various Bonsai Beer Crawls finally seem to be paying dividends as it seems that some of the knowledge passed on to him by much greater minds than his own seems to be staying in that scary space between his ears.  We don’t know what goes on it that dark, infested place and we don’t wanna but sometimes it can come up with the odd gem and it appears that last night could well be his Shitest Hour. 

The question now arises, does Shiten have another doppelganger replacing its members with someone drinking “sensible juice” or has he finally seen the light leading to the true path of Shitenisum and forgone the temptation of the grape?  

Rest assured that we firmly expect normal service to be resumed with us finding him sitting in a corner, rocking and saying “wibble” in the not too distant future!

 (*well, we can’t call him a “man” can we!)

Shiten Simon Scarring Someone Soon!

Sulky Shiten Simon’s Subtle Solutions Seriously Surprise Some at Sunny Sutton Show

After a late Winter “burn-out break” the Shiten Massive were once again in full effect but this time helping to “pollute” the sterling efforts of the Maidstone Bonsai Society.  With their MBS hats on the Shiten Show Tarts Simon & Storey were helping to organise the Clubs display at the wonderful RHS Wisley gardens.  This was the second time that the Maidstone Club had been invited to attend but the first time that Simon had had any involvement with it.  As many of you know Simon can be a bit OCD about the layout of our Club displays having had the odd “hissy fit” in the past which could have really opened up a can of worms but fortunately his pacifier, a large bottle of Shiraz with a specially adapted teat, was not needed this time and all the toys did stay in the pram.  He seemed to be really enjoying his role as Show Dictator, sorry, Director that was until the “Bald Head of the Law” failed to arrive on time.  Pacing up and down the aisles like he was doing an audition for the Ministry of Silly Walks we did notice that the dummy was getting ready for lift off but eventually Plod arrived and tranquillity was once again upon us.

Fortunately, despite their best efforts, the 2 little shites didn’t manage to derail the fine efforts of MBS members and drag the overall display down to their level although the little tinkers did have the last laugh.  There, right under everyone’s noses, evolved a truly untouched Shiten display which to this day I think has still gone unnoticed!

Tree by Grandpa, Pot by Monkey Man,
Accent and pot by Frog Boy

The phrase “best behaviour” has a different meaning to Shiten Members but as they were representing “Club not Country” the guys thought that they best try to conform.  Simon tried really, really hard to “look normal” but it seems to no avail as a sharp eyed and inquisitive Surry Heath Club member approached us and asked “are you Shiten?”  That’s it, we were rumbled, and had to come clean about our sins in relation to UK Bonsai but surprisingly this chap seemed unafraid.  Maybe there are more disciples out there following the Shiten Way than we realised which is both pleasing and worrying in equal measure!

More trees from the Club display