Sly Shiten Simon’s Show Stopper Surprises Sickly Storey

The "Grown-Up Baby" was once again as
much use as a chocolate teapot!

After Shiten’s Summer Sabbatical, the Shiten massive, and no that’s not a reference to Simon’s belly, was in full effect at the Bonsai World Show at the K2 Sports Centre in Crawley.  This year marks the 3^rd Edition of the Show and the exhibits seem to get better year on year but, as is the Shiten Way, Les, Simon and Andy were there to show exhibitors EXACTLY how it’s NOT supposed to be done!

As is quickly becoming customary Sickly Storey once again left all the set-up and “arty-farty stuff” to the Clay Crusaders and when he did eventually put in an appearance on the Saturday morning (after all the work was done of course) he was doing his best Cliff Richard impersonation being all “wired for sound” – fortunately he forgot his tennis racket!  With the trees all in place, superbly complimented by Andy’s fantastic Gafu-Ten display, it was all hands on deck to help Sulky Simon set up his stall with his eagerly awaited, his words not ours, “Black Collection”.  When setting up his stall, the norm these days is for to Frog Boy bounce around like he was on a hot lily pad.  With most, if not all, offers of help being rebuffed it seems that he prefers to play the martyr rather than accepting his fellow Shite’s offers of help – num-nuts!

With the Show about to open judging was taking place around the hall and unbeknown to our Little Shites it was to have a sting in the tail. Behind the back of Lethargic Les, Sméagol Simon had snuck one of Les’s trees into his Mame display, naughty little Hobbitses, to no doubt make his display less Shiten – well boy was he in for a surprise!  It appears it’s not what you know but who you know these days and it appears that Simon’s ruse was rumbled by some such person as Les’s little Hinoki Cypress scooped top Mame Tree in Show and not one of his own “efforts”.  This award surprised the Sickly Storey no end as he didn’t even know that the tree was being used on the Shiten display.  That’ll learn ya young Frogs Spawn that you are – quality always shines through!

Our "novel" way of displaying our scrolls!

Gafu Class act

A Simon/Storey Shohin Combo

Sunday dawned hot and sunny once again but unfortunately the upbeat mood was quickly spoilt by Simon’s Manic Mame Meltdown, possibly a side effect of the previous days shock Award.  By the time he and the understanding Mr Pearson had arrived at the venue he’d worked himself into such a little tizzy that common sense went out of the window (along with most of the toys from his pram!).  Many a professional or experienced artist alike were being accosted, with plenty taking to hiding under tables or behind curtains, as the Mame Maniac whizzed around the Traders stalls like the Tasmanian Devil but much less adorable.  The look on the poor Frogy’s face was a picture of despair and despondency as the pot quest turned into a comedy version of Goldilocks*, well funny for the onlookers at least, and no amount of E-numbers or Wine Gums could cheer our little Shiten-Spawn’s mood.

They say that “every cloud has a silver lining” and many of us had gone a lot more Silver during the Mame Mayhem but it would appear that “Sampson Saves the Day” with a delightful little pot from under the counter – you know what I mean guv, brown paper bags and the like?  Superstar Dave, supplier to the stars and sometimes Simon, is the purveyor of fantastic stones, stands and Japanese pots and must be included as an Honorary Shite as he was the original owner of Les’s fantastic Blackthorn.  Again this fine gentleman came up trumps with what was agreed was a fantastic little pot – or could it be a bit small?

No doubt the saga will continue as it usually does with Simon, so watch, or don’t watch, this space – the choice is yours!

*too large, too small and nothing quite right!

Shiten’s Sexy Second String Slingers Secret Screen Sirens?

Our “Demented Duo” seems to be in high demand these days, and not by the rozzers for a change, but exciting news is reaching us at Shiten Central about our Gullible Golems.  Rumours began to circulate last week that the Clay Crusaders were looking to expand the marketing arm of their empire but nothing could prepare us for the Press Release that hit our inbox earlier today.

The Press Release reads:-

“We can now confirm that Stone Monkey Ceramics & SUTEKI Accents have joined forces with top fetish Couture House Ange Stunners to produce their latest rage of Caps, Capes, T-Shirts, Utility and Suspender Belts.  It is with great pleasure that Andrew (SMC) and Simon (SUTEKI) were happy to join our ever growing list of A-List clients and we look forward to a long and fruitful relationship together”.

It continues:-

“……… with Ange being an ex-madam in Vegas starting her Fetish Empire from Swap-Meets and Country Fairs she can relate to what the Clay Crusaders have  and are looking to achieve.  She has been watching these guys (through binoculars) for some time and felt that their style and individuality went well with our business model and she can’t wait to get on top of them”.

This is a really exciting and unique opportunity for the Mud Slingers to make their brands totally global and comes on the back of confirmation that a film adaptation of their book “50 Shades of Clay” will be released later this year.  Due for an October release in Bury, England, it will go up against Simon Jones’s “50 Shade of Gay” and Will “Wood Nibbler” Baddeley’s equally worrying “50 Shades of Hay” at the Bonsai Europa Film Festival hosted by renowned critic Tiny Tickle.

Exciting times indeed for Ceramic and Bonsai alike in the Shire of Shiten – could it be Hollywood “come a’knocking” next time?

"The Farce is Strong with Them it is!"

SUTEKI Simon Sings Spiritial Shitenisum Shitakusa Psalms

As part of Shiten’s “Bonsai Education and Care in the Community Programme” we often send out our disciples to spread the Shiten Way to Bonsai Clubs and individuals alike.  Last night saw Shiraz slurping SUTEKI Simon visit Kent’s premier, forward thinking and proactive Club, Maidstone Bonsai Society, to help enlighten their membership on the use and enjoyment of Accents in Bonsai.  Being a local lad, and the fact that Les had buggered off to the Caribbean, we thought that the MBS’s ex-Chairperson* would be a good fit as a friendly face always puts people at ease, so he was sobered up and shipped out to spread the Storey of Shitenisum. 

Maybe not as sober as we had hoped it appeared, “ello, my name is Simon, I’m an alcoholic and have been invited here for your entertainment tonight” was his greeting to the MBS membership which left his fellow Clay Crusader thinking that the evening could end in tears!  Far from shocking the audience it seemed to comfort them in that this poor individual, a humble clay-penter, had seen the shining Shiten light and was there to help them onto the path to the Promised Land.  Fortunately for the assembled congregation it seemed that Simon had already turned enough water into wine so turning off the Hall’s stopcock was not necessary!

It does seem that Andy needn’t have worried after all as miraculously not a wobble or a slur was seen or heard from Shiten’s Sauvignon supping Super Hero. More surprisingly it’s reported that most, if not all, of his sermon ACTUALLY made sense!  It appears that after many years of various Bonsai Beer Crawls finally seem to be paying dividends as it seems that some of the knowledge passed on to him by much greater minds than his own seems to be staying in that scary space between his ears.  We don’t know what goes on it that dark, infested place and we don’t wanna but sometimes it can come up with the odd gem and it appears that last night could well be his Shitest Hour. 

The question now arises, does Shiten have another doppelganger replacing its members with someone drinking “sensible juice” or has he finally seen the light leading to the true path of Shitenisum and forgone the temptation of the grape?  

Rest assured that we firmly expect normal service to be resumed with us finding him sitting in a corner, rocking and saying “wibble” in the not too distant future!

 (*well, we can’t call him a “man” can we!)

Shiten Simon Scarring Someone Soon!

Sulky Shiten Simon’s Subtle Solutions Seriously Surprise Some at Sunny Sutton Show

After a late Winter “burn-out break” the Shiten Massive were once again in full effect but this time helping to “pollute” the sterling efforts of the Maidstone Bonsai Society.  With their MBS hats on the Shiten Show Tarts Simon & Storey were helping to organise the Clubs display at the wonderful RHS Wisley gardens.  This was the second time that the Maidstone Club had been invited to attend but the first time that Simon had had any involvement with it.  As many of you know Simon can be a bit OCD about the layout of our Club displays having had the odd “hissy fit” in the past which could have really opened up a can of worms but fortunately his pacifier, a large bottle of Shiraz with a specially adapted teat, was not needed this time and all the toys did stay in the pram.  He seemed to be really enjoying his role as Show Dictator, sorry, Director that was until the “Bald Head of the Law” failed to arrive on time.  Pacing up and down the aisles like he was doing an audition for the Ministry of Silly Walks we did notice that the dummy was getting ready for lift off but eventually Plod arrived and tranquillity was once again upon us.

Fortunately, despite their best efforts, the 2 little shites didn’t manage to derail the fine efforts of MBS members and drag the overall display down to their level although the little tinkers did have the last laugh.  There, right under everyone’s noses, evolved a truly untouched Shiten display which to this day I think has still gone unnoticed!

Tree by Grandpa, Pot by Monkey Man,
Accent and pot by Frog Boy

The phrase “best behaviour” has a different meaning to Shiten Members but as they were representing “Club not Country” the guys thought that they best try to conform.  Simon tried really, really hard to “look normal” but it seems to no avail as a sharp eyed and inquisitive Surry Heath Club member approached us and asked “are you Shiten?”  That’s it, we were rumbled, and had to come clean about our sins in relation to UK Bonsai but surprisingly this chap seemed unafraid.  Maybe there are more disciples out there following the Shiten Way than we realised which is both pleasing and worrying in equal measure!

More trees from the Club display

Shiten Ceramics Specialists Survive Successful Swindon Show – Storey Security Suspect!

With the woes of “Gafu-Gate” put behind them the Demented Duo of Monkey Man & Frog Boy fired up the Monkey-mobile in the dead of night (well it bloody well felt like it!) for sunny Swindon.  It seems that Ceramics Crimes* never sleep so our intrepid Mud-Slingers swung into action full of vim, vigour and caffeine!  Who knows what arch enemies our heroes might meet, maybe Treebender or would it be the mincing Woodnibbler or even the dastardly Cockman only time would tell.

Andy, obviously still buoyed by his successful “Belgium Invasion” at the Noelanders Trophee (or could that be the Duvel beer?), laid out our plan of attack of how best to relieve the unsuspecting public out of their hard earned dosh.  Time travels fast in the Monkeymobile, not as fast as with Shiten Sam but with better concentration and a sense of direction, but soon we were at the venue and ready to set up our temporary command centre for the day.  Utility belts and sundries checked, or in my case suspender belt as I misread the memo, it was time to reveal ourselves!

As usual the Show was full of the Great and the Good of the UK Bonsai scene, along with the usual suspect characters, although there was one missing figure that nearly cost Shiten dear!  Les “Grandpa” Storey was (again) complaining about an “aliment” and couldn’t make the event (I think he might be allergic to Paul Bowerbank) and cried off.  This is usually seen as a blessing BUT he didn’t organise a SSS detail (Storey’s Shiten Security) which left the Clay Crusaders, as well as others, open to “attack”.  Unfortunately, this lack of planning from the Bald One nearly resulted in a Bonsai Battle Royale.

As threatened, the Northern Invasion came spearheaded by Tracey “Boadicea” Gibson (powered by mushy peas and Tizer) along with the Ginger Warlock Simon Jones in her Hell Chariot.  Rumours of their arrival sparked some panic within the Shiten ranks but Simon was told that she was “just a puddy cat” by Will “Tribblefaced” Baddeley but this was done whilst he was cowering in fear under the table!  Eventually the evil Warrior Queen arrived and she was, well kinda nice, in a terrifying sort of way!  It was, however, great to see the Ginger Whinger in attendance whose war cry of “your trees are Shite” is an inspiration to us all at the SBS.  Only the night before the Show his entire collection, 30+ years’ work, of trees, pots tools, wire etc went up in smoke in a freak and devastating fire.  Although suffering from 2^nd degree burns to his hands he still made the journey down which was fantastic.  It was great to see so much love and offers of support go out to this outspoken bellend that it brought a tear to your eye.  Successive “man hugs” from the Demented Duo also had the same effect – get well soon bud, we’ve got your back!

With the lack of the Triple S the Clay Crusaders were soon hopping into action as Frog Boy heard of the “Case of the missing Chojubai” from Mr John I-like-titchy-trees.  It appears that one of his charges had been “lifted” by an unspeakable and so a search party was arranged.  It soon became apparent that it was an evil scheme involving Trev “Fingers” Brocklehurst and Peter “didn’t I tell you” Warren.  With this “crime” solved the culprit was duly chastised, OK, we pissed ourselves laughing, and normality resumed.

All too soon, and as with all good things in life, it was time to go, say “goodbye” and work our way back to our secret lair.  We both had a cracking day and the Monkey-mobile was much lighter on the way home that on the way down, which is always a bonus!  For those “heathens” that have never been to this extraordinarily good event you MUST GO, but maybe every other year when the Shiten Massive isn’t in full effect!

(*Mostly produced by SUTEKI!)