Monday, 4 September 2017

From Vodka with Love

“I’ve done it, I’ve finally infiltrated Baldfeld’s gang” thought Wally, “P would be so proud of me!”  A tear began to run down our hero’s* cheek.  Not a tear of joy however just his G-String starting to chafe a little.  Wiping away the tear, whilst also adjusting his panty problem, Wally looked over to his left at the person atop the ejector seat in the Shitewagen.  The passengers shining cranium briefly blinded the driver but his eyes adjusted to stare at the enormity of it all – Baldfeld, Bonsai Enemy No1!  Seen as a hero by many in Bonsai circles, but a shite by the majority of Bonsai lovers, his reign of terror started small, robbing hubcaps and the like, then moved into protection rackets that included holding footballer’s privates to ransom for a hefty fee!  Years, and many regional extradition orders later, here he was, “King Pin” of the UK Shohin Raffia!
Somehow, more by luck than judgment no doubt, 00Shiten had managed to infiltrate his way into Baldfeld’s inner circle, P’s plan seemed to be working!  No doubt drunk on his own success (not vino collapseo for a change) Wally tried to make small talk whilst they journeyed around another triumph of the British Empire – the M25, the world’s largest roundabout.  “These Bonsai, eh, tiny aren’t they?  They almost look real, what’s the trick?” Slowly Baldfield’s expression changed as his shimmering skull turned in the direction of the driver.  Panic now filled Wally, along with his socks as a G-String ain’t much of a poop protector, had he blown his cover, could this FINALLY be his end?  “Costa” the scouse supervillain replied “I thought you asked if I wanted a coffee?”  Thinking on his feet, a novelty for Wally, he spluttered “Yes, that’s what I asked”.  “OK then” came the reply much to the relief of the Shiten spy.  With this crisis averted, and the grown-up baby caffeined to the eyeballs, it was now full steam ahead to RHS Wisley.
It is commonly known within in the Shiten Secret Service, and the greater Bonsai world as a whole for that matter, is that Wally isn’t the sharpest tool in the roll so P had organised plenty of “back-up” to offset his lack to knowledge and tact!  Whilst Baldfeld was given the VIP Tour Wally inspected his “kit” that had arrived from Department Q.  Things had changed since the good old days.  As all departments of the Secret Service are funded by government some bright spark had deemed that as the SSS only dealt with Bonsai related threats to national security its budget, and staff, would have to abide by new “smaller” guidelines.  And boy were they not joking!  Wally’s “display*” had been entered into the Marmite Section of the exhibition as a Shite-buffer to Baldfeld’s entry just in case his trees were armed with hidden weapons of moss destruction.  Forever the optimist Wally threw his display together to what he thought looked “about right” apparently glossing over the section on Formal Display in his briefing notes. It would only later become very apparent that this lack of foresight NEARLY blew his cover!
(*Again, we use this term VERY loosely!)