Monday, 4 September 2017

From Vodka with Love

“I’ve done it, I’ve finally infiltrated Baldfeld’s gang” thought Wally, “P would be so proud of me!”  A tear began to run down our hero’s* cheek.  Not a tear of joy however just his G-String starting to chafe a little.  Wiping away the tear, whilst also adjusting his panty problem, Wally looked over to his left at the person atop the ejector seat in the Shitewagen.  The passengers shining cranium briefly blinded the driver but his eyes adjusted to stare at the enormity of it all – Baldfeld, Bonsai Enemy No1!  Seen as a hero by many in Bonsai circles, but a shite by the majority of Bonsai lovers, his reign of terror started small, robbing hubcaps and the like, then moved into protection rackets that included holding footballer’s privates to ransom for a hefty fee!  Years, and many regional extradition orders later, here he was, “King Pin” of the UK Shohin Raffia!
Somehow, more by luck than judgment no doubt, 00Shiten had managed to infiltrate his way into Baldfeld’s inner circle, P’s plan seemed to be working!  No doubt drunk on his own success (not vino collapseo for a change) Wally tried to make small talk whilst they journeyed around another triumph of the British Empire – the M25, the world’s largest roundabout.  “These Bonsai, eh, tiny aren’t they?  They almost look real, what’s the trick?” Slowly Baldfield’s expression changed as his shimmering skull turned in the direction of the driver.  Panic now filled Wally, along with his socks as a G-String ain’t much of a poop protector, had he blown his cover, could this FINALLY be his end?  “Costa” the scouse supervillain replied “I thought you asked if I wanted a coffee?”  Thinking on his feet, a novelty for Wally, he spluttered “Yes, that’s what I asked”.  “OK then” came the reply much to the relief of the Shiten spy.  With this crisis averted, and the grown-up baby caffeined to the eyeballs, it was now full steam ahead to RHS Wisley.
It is commonly known within in the Shiten Secret Service, and the greater Bonsai world as a whole for that matter, is that Wally isn’t the sharpest tool in the roll so P had organised plenty of “back-up” to offset his lack to knowledge and tact!  Whilst Baldfeld was given the VIP Tour Wally inspected his “kit” that had arrived from Department Q.  Things had changed since the good old days.  As all departments of the Secret Service are funded by government some bright spark had deemed that as the SSS only dealt with Bonsai related threats to national security its budget, and staff, would have to abide by new “smaller” guidelines.  And boy were they not joking!  Wally’s “display*” had been entered into the Marmite Section of the exhibition as a Shite-buffer to Baldfeld’s entry just in case his trees were armed with hidden weapons of moss destruction.  Forever the optimist Wally threw his display together to what he thought looked “about right” apparently glossing over the section on Formal Display in his briefing notes. It would only later become very apparent that this lack of foresight NEARLY blew his cover!
(*Again, we use this term VERY loosely!)

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

On Her Majesties Shiten Service

The door lurches open at Shiten’s secret Whitehall HQ.  A red bowler hat spears through the air and hits the unsuspecting secretary square in the nose.  “Sorry Miss Mamepenny”, says a drunken voice from the shadow of the doorway.  “You REALLY live up to your name you know” the secretary rebuffs, “Erotic?” the voice replied, “no, Wally!” replied Miss Mamepenny wiping the trail of blood that was dripping from her nose.  “My equipment may be small Miss Mamepenny but it’s perfectly formed” replied Wally staggering into the desk.  “Sorry Wally, I’m more into big Blackthorns than your tiny little stick.  Go through, P has been waiting for you to sober up!”
P sat at his wheel majestically throwing his next range of Gafu-Ten winning pots as Wally stumbled in. “Take a seat 00Shiten, I was hoping that I would see you sometime this month” said Shiten’s ceramic sensei.  He well knew that our hero* had been on a Lidl bargain wine box and kebab bender since the Swindon Winter Image Show but he was the ONLY man* for the job.  “No need to remove your jacket” he continued, “I said don’t………….”.  Too late, Erotic Wally removed his outer layer to reveal his latest psychedelic outfit much to the pain and suffering of anyone in eye-shot.  Wally was fast becoming a disgrace to the Shiten Secret Service and was only being kept around as he was the only one daft enough to take on some of the more dangerous assignments.  P rummages around his desk drawers for some industrial strength welding goggles and then continues the briefing.
“I take it that you have heard that our good friend Baldfeld is back on the scene?”  “Really?”, replied Wally “so the Costa Cartel hit was unsuccessful then?”  “Exactly how much have you had to drink man, you were there!” exclaimed the frustrated monkey.  “Well, erm, not too sure sir really, what month is it again?” replied Wally sheepishly.  “Pull yourself together man or I’ll revoke your Licence to Pot”.  “No, no, not that P, it’s my life’s work”, well that and growing shite trees Wally thought.  “OK, one last chance, so here’s the gig, pay attention 00Shiten” growled the frustrated Shiten.

“As you are aware Wally, the BSB is making a high level visit, along with the Japanese and European Ambassadors, to RHS Wisley and we need a man on the inside.  We cannot discount the rumoured threats from BOBO who are understood to be sending some of their top, top agents”.  “Anyone I’ve ‘eard of Sir?” enquired the swiftly sobering agent.  “Well if the stories are to be believed it appears that Gingemember and Woodnibbler will be Baldfeld’s weapons of choice but be prepared for ANYONE and ANYTHING!” declared P.  “We’ve managed to infiltrate you as an exhibitor in the Mame section.  Miss Mamepenny's idea as she says that you are an expert on “smaller sizes” but what she means by that I do not know – what do bloody women know about Bonsai anyhow?”  Slowly, our hero* felt his face turning as red as his natty trademark bowler hat.  Yes, he had tried to impress P’s secretary with his fine specimens but she just laughed and blew him off.  “I’ve been trying to learn ‘er the Shiten Way sir”, Wally replied sheepishly “seems like I’ve done too good a job!”  “Excellent man, no time to lose, so off you trot, wouldn’t want to keep you” urged P “oh, and by the way 00Shiten, don’t make an exhibition of yourself – AGAIN!”
(*we use this term loosely!)


Tuesday, 24 January 2017

Shite Trek – The Journey Home

Captain’s Log Supplemental
Due to disruptions in the space-time continuum, sub space communications with Starbase Shite have been severely disrupted but we think the Shitesurprise’s boosted signal is now coming through………

Stardate 28-02.1230
As the conference progressed Helmsman Pearson notice an alien infestation on some of his unglazed wares.  The more he looked, the more they bred, the more they bred, the more he looked – what could this be and where did they come from?  He first noticed a faint spec which then grew and grew finally becoming a solid semi sphere of silver.  Further investigations by the crew found that the Shitesurprise must have been boarded during Captain Chrome-domes emergency caffeine stop.  With the finger now well and truly pointing at the Costa Cartel rumours were abound of a weapon that they had secretly been working on – Nano Tribbles!

These ultra-hi-tech weapons of mass replication were created to infiltrate and eradicate higher types of lifeforms and technology. It seems that this batch must have malfunctioned and seen the chief Shiten Slinger as a danger to ceramics as we know it.  We all ACTUALLY know that it’s Suteki Simon who is the chief culprit of crimes against ceramics* but as these little critters had gone haywire so that would explain the mistake!  These pots had to be isolated at once but it seems that the delegates liked the shiny domes and soon the infestation was over, well, until the unknowing new owners got their infected pots back home that is!

Stardate 28-02.1500
News crackled across the comms that some important announcements were about to take place concerning the strange folk wandering around with sticks earlier in the day.  This information seemed to cause much excitement amongst some of the delegates so it was phasers to stun, just in case of any alien shenanigans.  It turned out to be the prize giving for the Best Trees/Displays of the conference so no need for the crew to panic as there was no “Shite” Award – or so we thought!  Amongst the great and the good it was decided that Security Chief Will “someones gunna get hurt real” Baddeley won the award for “Best Stick in Pot”.  His English Elm raft* in its custom-made container swept the board beating more conventional alien creations and well done to him!

With all the excitement over it was soon time to pack the Shitesurprise and head back out into the Big Black at warp factor 9 and plan next year’s invasion!

(*it wasn’t originally a raft but it seems that the trees decided it was the best way to try and escape Suffolk – that or a canoe!)