Monday, 29 February 2016

Shite Trekking accross the Bonsai-verse

Swindon: The Shiten Frontier.
These are the voyages of the Shiteship Shitesurprise, on a 6-hour mission to explore strange new trees; to seek out new life and new clientele; to baldly go where Bonsai has never gone before!
Stardate 28-02.0415
The Shite shuttle Berlingo leaves outpost Lenham to collect some of the crew for Shiten’s latest journey into the unknown and to berth with the SBS Shitesurprise at Starbase P close to the outer rim of the known universe.  With the co-ordinates expertly programmed into the Navi-Con it was time to engage impulse engines as before we could manage warp speed we had to navigate through some hostile sections of the galaxy - there are too many of those pesky space cameras around these days!
This mission was being commanded by Jean-Luc Picard look-a-like Senator Storey and ably piloted by Helmsman Pearson thus leaving Ensign Suteki recharging his dilithium crystals in the rear of the ship.  He wasn’t ACTUALLY supposed to be doing this as he was meant to be keeping an eye out for Klingons on the starboard bow – you just can’t get the staff!
Stardate 28-02.0710
The SBS Shitesurprise receives a destress signal which required re-routing to the nearest Starbase (not Bucks) to help remedy Captain Cranium’s Costa Compulsion, along with Simon’s weed weakness.  With the emergency averted and the crew now suitably refreshed it was once again time for our intrepid explorers to push deeper into the neutral zone before reaching enemy territory.
Our original orders were for a discreet, covert operation using our state of the art cloaking device.  Unfortunately, due to Simon’s latest ensemble, the device malfunctioned* making our mission all the more perilous – can’t take the kid anywhere!
The first of the Shite's "Away Team" transport down
Stardate 28-02.0800
SBS Shitesurprise safely docks at the Swindon Space Port and unloading of the precious, and some cases NOT so precious, cargo commenced.  It was good to see that many members of the Shiten Empire had rallied to the call including Chief Security Officer Will “someone’s gunna get hurt real” Baddeley.  This addition to our strikefarce, along with his sidekick Kitty Gibson**, soon put the fear of god into the assembled “unbelievers” and with Ginga Ninja Jones doing his “your trees are Shite” security sweep, all seemed shite with the world!
Tracey worked very hard on her "camouflage" to
help blend in - shame it was a Winter Image Show!
Stardate 28-02.0920
With the Bonsai delegates from many far flung star systems congregating at this popular Starbase, the Swindonion Ambassadors, ably led by Brother Bowerbank, sensibly chose to separate the Shiten Ceramicists thus lessening the chances of a diplomatic incident.  This forward thinking plan did also have advantages for the crew of the Shitesurprise as this now gave Les 2 places to park his fat arse for the day, but also two platforms to which we could “reach out” to the lost and the unhinged and help lead them to the path of peace and enlightenment!
The saga will continue after these messages from our sponsors …………………………………………………..
(* “I ain’t even gunna TRY and camouflage dat” was the last message before the unit when into meltdown)
(** She’s just a puddy-tat – she told me so and I’m not gunna argue with her, are you?)

Monday, 1 February 2016

Suffering Sourpuss – Shiten Show Spectacular Sickens Scouse Stand Supplier

It appears that I may have scattered the sawdust with a certain individual in the Shiten Roll of Shame in my Noelanders report.  For some reason just because you played “chicken” with an electric saw, and lost, doesn’t AUTOMATICALLY enrol you in the Shiten Hall of Fame although some would say that it worked for Simon Jones!  Membership is a precious and valueless gift that is bestowed only to biggest and up and coming shites in UK Bonsai and occasionally the mentally unhinged!
Life's tough in that there Wirral like!
Harcourt “Dougie” Mudd seems aggrieved that his plywood stand wasn’t included in the list of shite personnel but what do you expect if you’re not a member?  It has been discussed, at length, that we could do with a casket maker for all the trees that Les kills* and your name was near the top of the list and duly under consideration. 

Unfortunately, with your blatant attempt at “queue jumping” and your impossibly high stands of your work, this just MIGHT work against your inclusion into this Club of very high moral standards and outstanding fashion sense. 
For those of you younger viewers who don’t know “Fingers” Mudd, he is highly sought after in the UK and abroad in true Scouse style but not by the rozzers or Interpol as you would first expect.  His fine work has help lift good trees into great trees, or so he tells me, and he must feel that being a Disciple of Shitenisum would further help his road to enlightenment.  We do agree that his subline use of MDF, rough sawn Pine and Hardboard is a cut above the rest but does he REALLY have what it takes to be an all-round total Shite?  Below is some of his work, we will let you be judge, jury and executioner!

Whilst we are “setting the record straight” I would like to reply to a comment made in a report by Peter Snart Jnr from Kent.  He reported that Shiten was started as “a joke” by the Grown-Up Baby and Frog Boy and this may well be true.  Although seen in many circles, and by many esteemed Bonsaists, as a joke, Les and I, along with the ever increasing list of disciples, BELIEVE in the true spirit of little trees and are helping to raise, or in some cases prop up, that bar in the belief that no matter how large your chequebook or how little talent you have we can ALL make our trees Shite and should be proud!  It does, however, begin to appear that the joke is now on us with Shiten getting legitimate invitations to exhibit our trees.  Maybe, at the start, this was not our mantra and maybe it still isn’t, but who knows that maybe one day we will able to visually abuse the viewing public at an event like the Swindon Winter Image Show or EVEN the prestigious MBS Show!