With the woes of “Gafu-Gate” put behind them the Demented Duo of Monkey Man & Frog Boy fired up the Monkey-mobile in the dead of night (well it bloody well felt like it!) for sunny Swindon. It seems that Ceramics Crimes* never sleep so our intrepid Mud-Slingers swung into action full of vim, vigour and caffeine! Who knows what arch enemies our heroes might meet, maybe Treebender or would it be the mincing Woodnibbler or even the dastardly Cockman only time would tell.
Andy, obviously still buoyed by his successful “Belgium Invasion” at the Noelanders Trophee (or could that be the Duvel beer?), laid out our plan of attack of how best to relieve the unsuspecting public out of their hard earned dosh. Time travels fast in the Monkeymobile, not as fast as with Shiten Sam but with better concentration and a sense of direction, but soon we were at the venue and ready to set up our temporary command centre for the day. Utility belts and sundries checked, or in my case suspender belt as I misread the memo, it was time to reveal ourselves!
As usual the Show was full of the Great and the Good of the UK Bonsai scene, along with the usual suspect characters, although there was one missing figure that nearly cost Shiten dear! Les “Grandpa” Storey was (again) complaining about an “aliment” and couldn’t make the event (I think he might be allergic to Paul Bowerbank) and cried off. This is usually seen as a blessing BUT he didn’t organise a SSS detail (Storey’s Shiten Security) which left the Clay Crusaders, as well as others, open to “attack”. Unfortunately, this lack of planning from the Bald One nearly resulted in a Bonsai Battle Royale.
As threatened, the Northern Invasion came spearheaded by Tracey “Boadicea” Gibson (powered by mushy peas and Tizer) along with the Ginger Warlock Simon Jones in her Hell Chariot. Rumours of their arrival sparked some panic within the Shiten ranks but Simon was told that she was “just a puddy cat” by Will “Tribblefaced” Baddeley but this was done whilst he was cowering in fear under the table! Eventually the evil Warrior Queen arrived and she was, well kinda nice, in a terrifying sort of way! It was, however, great to see the Ginger Whinger in attendance whose war cry of “your trees are Shite” is an inspiration to us all at the SBS. Only the night before the Show his entire collection, 30+ years’ work, of trees, pots tools, wire etc went up in smoke in a freak and devastating fire. Although suffering from 2nd degree burns to his hands he still made the journey down which was fantastic. It was great to see so much love and offers of support go out to this outspoken bellend that it brought a tear to your eye. Successive “man hugs” from the Demented Duo also had the same effect – get well soon bud, we’ve got your back!
With the lack of the Triple S the Clay Crusaders were soon hopping into action as Frog Boy heard of the “Case of the missing Chojubai” from Mr John I-like-titchy-trees. It appears that one of his charges had been “lifted” by an unspeakable and so a search party was arranged. It soon became apparent that it was an evil scheme involving Trev “Fingers” Brocklehurst and Peter “didn’t I tell you” Warren. With this “crime” solved the culprit was duly chastised, OK, we pissed ourselves laughing, and normality resumed.
All too soon, and as with all good things in life, it was time to go, say “goodbye” and work our way back to our secret lair. We both had a cracking day and the Monkey-mobile was much lighter on the way home that on the way down, which is always a bonus! For those “heathens” that have never been to this extraordinarily good event you MUST GO, but maybe every other year when the Shiten Massive isn’t in full effect!
(*Mostly produced by SUTEKI!)