Wednesday, 1 February 2017

On Her Majesties Shiten Service

The door lurches open at Shiten’s secret Whitehall HQ.  A red bowler hat spears through the air and hits the unsuspecting secretary square in the nose.  “Sorry Miss Mamepenny”, says a drunken voice from the shadow of the doorway.  “You REALLY live up to your name you know” the secretary rebuffs, “Erotic?” the voice replied, “no, Wally!” replied Miss Mamepenny wiping the trail of blood that was dripping from her nose.  “My equipment may be small Miss Mamepenny but it’s perfectly formed” replied Wally staggering into the desk.  “Sorry Wally, I’m more into big Blackthorns than your tiny little stick.  Go through, P has been waiting for you to sober up!”
P sat at his wheel majestically throwing his next range of Gafu-Ten winning pots as Wally stumbled in. “Take a seat 00Shiten, I was hoping that I would see you sometime this month” said Shiten’s ceramic sensei.  He well knew that our hero* had been on a Lidl bargain wine box and kebab bender since the Swindon Winter Image Show but he was the ONLY man* for the job.  “No need to remove your jacket” he continued, “I said don’t………….”.  Too late, Erotic Wally removed his outer layer to reveal his latest psychedelic outfit much to the pain and suffering of anyone in eye-shot.  Wally was fast becoming a disgrace to the Shiten Secret Service and was only being kept around as he was the only one daft enough to take on some of the more dangerous assignments.  P rummages around his desk drawers for some industrial strength welding goggles and then continues the briefing.
“I take it that you have heard that our good friend Baldfeld is back on the scene?”  “Really?”, replied Wally “so the Costa Cartel hit was unsuccessful then?”  “Exactly how much have you had to drink man, you were there!” exclaimed the frustrated monkey.  “Well, erm, not too sure sir really, what month is it again?” replied Wally sheepishly.  “Pull yourself together man or I’ll revoke your Licence to Pot”.  “No, no, not that P, it’s my life’s work”, well that and growing shite trees Wally thought.  “OK, one last chance, so here’s the gig, pay attention 00Shiten” growled the frustrated Shiten.

“As you are aware Wally, the BSB is making a high level visit, along with the Japanese and European Ambassadors, to RHS Wisley and we need a man on the inside.  We cannot discount the rumoured threats from BOBO who are understood to be sending some of their top, top agents”.  “Anyone I’ve ‘eard of Sir?” enquired the swiftly sobering agent.  “Well if the stories are to be believed it appears that Gingemember and Woodnibbler will be Baldfeld’s weapons of choice but be prepared for ANYONE and ANYTHING!” declared P.  “We’ve managed to infiltrate you as an exhibitor in the Mame section.  Miss Mamepenny's idea as she says that you are an expert on “smaller sizes” but what she means by that I do not know – what do bloody women know about Bonsai anyhow?”  Slowly, our hero* felt his face turning as red as his natty trademark bowler hat.  Yes, he had tried to impress P’s secretary with his fine specimens but she just laughed and blew him off.  “I’ve been trying to learn ‘er the Shiten Way sir”, Wally replied sheepishly “seems like I’ve done too good a job!”  “Excellent man, no time to lose, so off you trot, wouldn’t want to keep you” urged P “oh, and by the way 00Shiten, don’t make an exhibition of yourself – AGAIN!”
(*we use this term loosely!)


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