Monday, 23 October 2017


Wally’s mind raced as his peanut sized brain tried desperately to retain and prioritise the information from the previous evenings briefing.  Sweat poured down his brow as the enormity of the task ahead of him and filled him full of dread.  Mouth dry, stomach churning he flicked the key on the Kermit-mobile and headed for his fate with destiny.  The lime green roller skate lurched to life, “there’s no way out of it now” he thought, as his trusty stead ribbited down the road to his destination little knowing that he would actually turn out to be a hero even if for only 5 minutes.

Faster than a speeding bogey the green grolly’s progress was swift and sure giving 00Shiten enough time for a quick fag and ANOTHER security sweep of the exhibition area before taking up his alter ego for the event as one of dem dare lovely Bonsai Traders.  It seemed that P really didn’t trust Wally at all so had set up shop next door to the creatively(?) named Suteki Accent Pots stall to make sure that he didn’t crack under pressure (something that had happen oh so often in the past) and hopefully make a couple of bob too!

Suddenly the pocket of Wally’s figure hugging leather strides began to vibrate.  I thought that I’d taken the batteries out of that thing” he thought before realising what was in his pocket was not what he feared but his phone.  “Who the bloody hell is that?” he wondered as his hand fiddled with his lose change, “Oh, bloody ‘ell, it’s the Boss!” he panicked.  “Shiten, is that you?” came the voice on the other end of the phone, “errr, yes Sir, what’s up?”.  “Um, I don’t quite know how to put this really, but I need your help!” came the reply, knocking Wally for six over long on.  “Problem Boss, how could I possibly help?”  “It appears that some of Baldfeld’s agents have sabotaged my transport and I need you to collect me in the Shitewagen ASAP”.  “Would love to P but I have the Kermit-mobile which is a bit gay sir”.  “Needs must, so get your big, fat, leather clad arse down here pronto just in case that there are any more sinister plans afoot” replied the now frustrated SSS head.  “Roger and out chief” came the reply but there was also a nagging worry that this could well be just the start of the festivities!

Whilst Wally & P enjoyed the country lanes of sunny Surrey, well, as enjoyable as they can be in a snot green soft top and the driver wearing a bright red bowler hat, reports began to circulate that Baldfelds attendance was a ruse as there had been sightings of a strange strawberry haired figure lurking in the shadows.  Being a bright Spring day, this coppertop had no choice BUT to lurk in the shadows for fear of his fair complexion spontaneously combusting!  With the two SSS Agents fully briefed, well Wally was in a thong again but I digress, they made their way with a little trepidation to their posts in the Traders marque.  As they entered their fear and dread was made manifest as they saw the slightly silvering mop of the Bellend of Bonsai, the Ginga Ninja himself, Baldfeld’s chief (character) assassin!  “Heavens preserve us” thought P, “Bugger!” thought Wally, never known as one of the worlds intellectuals.  “Morning you pair of Nob Jockeys” grinned the northern nutter.  “Yes, and to you too Mr Jones” replied P whilst Wally was frantically looking for another pair of socks.  “You pair of pottery poofs ‘ere to see Taiga like me?” quipped Gingemember with an evil grin on his face.  “I’m selling pots” replied the panicked Wally with a nervous smile.  “That shite?  Not a chance!” the Ginga’s grin getting wider.  “Honestly, if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing Mr Jones” rebuffed P although he did tend to agree with him about Wally’s ceramic exploits.  “Whatever, I’ll leave you pair of puffs to it, I have more IMPORTANT things to do” growled the gay ginger mincing off towards the main hall still keeping to the shadows. 

So, it was finally out, Baldfeld’s cunning plan had been accidentally revealed, so who will now to protect the Japanese VIP and where would Wally get replacement underwear at such short notice?

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